Forget the Golden Boot, here is our alternative awards ceremony for the UEFA European Championship football tournament in France.

The final of the 2016 European Championship is this Sunday. In case you’ve somehow managed to avoid some of the wall-to-wall football – or it’s all blurred into one – MR PORTER has compiled a highlights programme more alternative than the football hipsters who backed Austria as dark horses to win (oops). They think it’s all over, it will be soon.

Best Fans

Without a doubt, the finest fans in the Euros were the (Republic of) Irish, who, among other things, sang lullabies to crying babies, serenaded nuns and even changed a tyre for an old French couple.

Most GIF-Worthy Celebration

When that hotline bling, it can only mean that France’s Mr Antoine Griezmann is imitating Drake after scoring the deciding goal against Ireland. Thankfully, the former’s knitted Nike Vapor jersey was a bit more breathable than the latter’s Acne Studios turtleneck.

Best Chant

Hotly contested. While exemplary, “Will Grigg’s On Fire” (to the tune of “Freed From Desire” by Gala) was dampened by the fact that the Northern Irish hitman failed to set the tournament alight, or even get onto the pitch – as manager Mr Michael O’Neill quipped, “We haven’t managed to put him out yet.” Then there was “Don’t Take Me Home”, the unofficial anthem of the home nations. But sometimes the simplest is the best: to wit, the tribal Icelandic “huh”, accompanied by a slow clap. It sounded like something Viking warriors would do before battle, but was actually adopted from the (no less terrifying) Motherwell fans.

Most Consistent Player

This award goes to journeyman Hungarian goalkeeper Mr Gabor Kiraly, once of Crystal Palace, and at 40 the oldest player in Euros history. He wins this not for his form, we should add, but for wearing the same pair of baggy grey sweatpants for his long and intermittently distinguished career.

The Mr Paul Gascoigne Award For Lachrymosity

One must have a heart of stone to not have felt a sharp tug at its strings when cuddly Mr Dimitri Payet, for so long overlooked by France (and the rest of us), left the pitch to a standing ovation, tears in his eyes, having scored a dramatic and spectacular winner for the hosts in the opening game of the tournament against Romania… Cough.

Best Commentary

The orgasmic reaction of Iceland’s Mr Gudmundur Benediktsson to his country’s second goal, and first-ever tournament win, against Austria was one of our favourite moments. We’ll watch what he’s watching…

Most Bizarre Punditry

This one goes to the brilliantly bonkers West Ham manager Mr Slaven Bilic who, when his club’s star player Mr Dimitri Payet scored yet another late goal for France – this time against Albania – climbed onto the table and imitated Mr Michael Jackson in his “Earth Song” video.

Worst Loser

Mr Cristiano Ronaldo unquestionably wins this title, for his ungracious comments about Iceland’s “small mentality” after their 1-1 draw against Portugal. We think that a nation with a population of just under 330,000 – the same as Leicester, and the smallest-ever nation to qualify for the Euros – can be forgiven.

Best Sportsmanship

Those of us with a soft spot for Mr Gianluigi Buffon melted like warm mozzarella when the Italian goalkeeper was first to congratulate the Irish management team of Messrs Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane after their victory over the Azzurri. Oh Gigi, if only you would clutch us firmly to your chest, the way you hold every ball that dares enter your penalty area.

Most Interesting Hair

Again, stiff competition here, not least from Slovakian Mr Marek Hamsik’s heavily gelled mohawk. But the winner – by more than a hair’s breadth – has to be the red-and-white-check coiff unveiled by Croatia’s Mr Ivan Perisic for the last-16 clash against Portugal, which was more painful to look at than the 120-minute snoozefest itself.

The “He’s Still Playing?” Lifetime Achievement Award

This one is a draw between Portugal’s Mr Ricardo Carvalho (38), Hungary’s Mr Zoltan Gera (37) and Iceland’s Mr Eidur Gudjohnsen (37). They’ll have been aching in the morning.

The “Yes, But Could He Do It On A Cold, Wet Night At Stoke” Award For Flair

Switzerland’s – and Stoke’s – Mr Xherdan Shaqiri takes this award, for his acrobatic bicycle kick against Poland. Yes, but… oh.

The Mr Terry Butcher “It’s Just A Flesh Wound” Memorial

His teammate Mr Joe Ledley comes close for even being able to run less than two months after fracturing his fibula, but this prize has to go to Wales captain Mr Ashley Williams, who played the final 10 minutes against Northern Ireland with his arm against his chest like Mr Napoleon Bonaparte. If he’d been marshalling Mr Bonaparte’s troops at Waterloo, one suspects the final result might have been a little different.

The celebrities featured in this story are not associated with and do not endorse MR PORTER or the products shown