Illustration and animation by Mr Kevin Dart

10 Tips for the
modern party-goer

If you are invited to a party then partay! Talk to everyone. Meet new people, renew old acquaintances, increase the amount of wit in the world. Cliques are out of place. Mopery and wallflowerism are grounds for banishment. Mix, revel, roister and let yourself go.

Karaoke is a social contract not to be entered into spontaneously or individually. Do not entertain (unless you are a talented host) except by the host's request, public demand or acclamation. The host is the CEO of the party and good guests are good followers. Those who consider themselves the life of the party are often its demise.

Don't come empty-handed. Wine is almost always welcomed, but don't expect it to be served that evening. If you want to drink what you brought, your best bet is champagne. Flowers are a play-it-by-instinct thing. Don't be hurt if they wind up in the loo.

A party is a truce zone. You may encounter enemies there, but consider them to be under the protection of a white flag. If you feel an irresistible impulse to punch someone, quietly ask them to step outside. If they do, lock the door.

Desperately chic New Yorkers are always party hopping, expecting the next one to be better. They're usually wrong. Chances are you're leaving party A when the cool people at party B are headed to A. Give a party a chance.

It's rude to be on time. Arrive at least 15 minutes after the announced time - even then you might find your hosts still getting dressed. It's OK to stay late if everyone including the hosts is clearly having a good time, but if they suddenly have pyjamas on, get the hell out.

Don't get drunk. If you aren't drunk you are far less likely to talk or laugh too loud, wax boring, become hostile, spill something, come on to someone ineligible, fall or vomit. If you do find yourself drunk, go straight home in a back seat.

The most interesting person at the party is probably the one nobody is talking to. Why? Too beautiful, too intimidating, too smart for the room? Reach out! You have nada to lose and may meet a genius.

A party is a sort of mini-holiday, a fast fiesta where guards are down, hopes are up and unlikely meetings of minds occur. You can social climb or delve into the depths with the dregs. Ask yourself, "Who would Jesus talk to?" Or Lenny Bruce.

A political party is not that kind of party. Politics, religion and other inherently confrontational topics are best avoided at an occasion intended to generate pleasure and foster good will. Light-hearted gossip, jesting, badinage, repartee and drollery, as well as light, quasi-meteorological topics of discussion are in order. Check your gravitas at the door.

...As seen in

The definitive guide to dressing for, and very much enjoying, the perfect party

AVAILABLE FOR iPAD NOW

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For The Host With The Most...


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