THE JOURNAL
Illustrations by Holly Stapleton
Dating today is not for the fainthearted. While we have more choice than ever, more ways to meet, more advice at our fingertips, for many of us it feels harder, more performative and, at times, strangely joyless. Globally, the number of single people is on the rise. Rates of marriage and cohabitation are declining, and in the US and UK young people are having less sex.
The habits of modern life – instant gratification, endless choice, the ability to disengage the moment you hit a challenge – mean that overthinking and emotional detachment have become the norm. The tools we use reinforce this. Algorithms reward attention, not depth. AI smooths things over, sycophantically agreeing with us, removing friction.
Real connection is the opposite. It’s slower, messier and far less predictable. Which might just be what we need right now. And there are ways of making it better. To find out how, read on.
01. Get your mindset right
Dating isn’t a system to crack or a game to win. It’s also not a reflection of your worth. The people who tend to do it well aren’t the most “optimised”, they’re the most grounded.
“Dating becomes high stakes when you feel like you’re looking for the missing piece of the puzzle of your entire life,” says the dating coach and author Matthew Hussey. “The less we build up the result of dating as the ultimate key to complete and total happiness, the more we can relax and make the process less stressful.”
Know who you are, don’t overanalyse every interaction and be open without being dependent on the outcome. Get that right and everything else becomes simpler.
02. Focus on feeling good
A haircut, a new shirt, a decent workout: not because they’ll “win” the date, but because they change how you enter the room. “Enclothed cognition” is the psychological phenomenon that what we wear can influence our mindset. Studies have proven that clothing choices can affect confidence, attention and psychological performance. Look good = feel good.
03.
Stop listening to men
One of the biggest problems with modern dating advice is who it comes from.
“There’s this entire ecosystem of dating advice for men – rules, strategies, tricks – and it’s almost entirely written by other men, usually with their own agenda,” says Tom Stroud, the founder of the men’s community Shoulder To Shoulder and host of the podcast Why Do I…?. “But women are the experts on what women want.”
In a culture obsessed with hacks and decoding signals, the answer is often much simpler: ask, listen and believe what you’re told.
04. Practise being a regular
Go to the same cafe, market, gym class or bar, weekly. Routine lowers social pressure and increases familiarity. You’ll feel more at ease instigating a conversation somewhere you feel comfortable.
“By regularly starting conversations and participating in your community, you expand your network and those new connections can lead you to your next date,” the dating podcaster Talia Koren says. You also build confidence talking to anyone new, which helps when you do eventually meet someone you want to flirt with.
The goal isn’t to force chemistry with every attractive stranger. It’s to create more opportunities for connection, while becoming more socially at ease in the process.
05. Treat apps like tools, not ambient entertainment
Used well, dating apps can be helpful. Used constantly, they tend to flatten your attention, your standards and your energy.
“A big reason why people are feeling so burnt out by dating apps right now is emotional overload,” says the dating and relationships coach Vicki Pavitt. “The apps create a constant stream of stimulation – new faces to swipe on, messages to decode, ambiguity, possibility and micro rejections.”
Over time, repeated exposure can create “emotional exhaustion and numbness rather than a genuine openness to connection,” Pavitt says.
The solution isn’t necessarily deleting the apps altogether, but using them more intentionally, with boundaries and self-awareness. Set limits. Take breaks. Don’t let something designed to connect you become the thing that quietly disconnects you.
06. Be clear, not cool
Playing it cool, saying less or leaving things open-ended might feel like control, but it rarely leads anywhere good. Clarity about your intentions is what moves things forward.
07. Ask better questions
Psychologists have described curiosity as “the genesis of intimacy” – the starting point for trust, vulnerability and genuine connection. The best dates should feel like two people gradually opening up to each other. So, ask questions that invite reflection rather than one-word answers. “What was the best part of your day?” will get you further than “Did you have a good day?” Open “what” and “how” questions encourage storytelling and candour, creating the moments that actually create intimacy. Remember: curiosity is more memorable than self-presentation.
08. But don’t “boomerask”
Avoid posing a question that pivots back to yourself. Research recently published by Harvard Business School and Imperial College London told us what we could’ve told them if they just asked: that while “boomeraskers” often believe they are being engaging, this behaviour is generally viewed as egocentric, insincere and off-putting by recipients.
09. Go where people actually are
Dating apps might still be the default, but they’re losing ground. In recent years, usage in the UK and US has fallen as burnout sets in. Meanwhile, interest in IRL dating – run clubs, dinner parties, galleries, live events, volunteering – is on the rise.
Koren is a big believer in real-world dating, although she warns that it won’t always be easy. And you have to put yourself out there. “Meeting people IRL is romanticised, but in reality, it isn’t passive,” she says. “There’s no point waiting for it to happen to you, you have to be a little proactive.”
10. Don’t chase the spark
“The spark is often a sign of anxiety, not compatibility,” says Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist and dating coach. People over-index on instant chemistry when it’s actually a poor predictor of long-term compatibility. Successful dates aren’t about chasing fireworks, they’re two people paying attention to whether something can build between them.
11. Get your flirt on
Flirting should feel easy, not engineered. It’s less about what you say and more about how you show up: eye contact, timing, humour and the ability to respond in the moment. Hussey says that the difference between flirty energy and anxious energy is often speed. Talking too quickly, over-gesturing or constantly filling silences with “yeah” and nervous affirmations can disrupt the flow of connection rather than deepen it. Slow down, take a breath and let the moments land.
And when messaging, do not – repeat, do not – get AI involved in flirty exchanges. You will be found out and it will be embarrassing.
12. Date like a grown-up, not a brand
You’re not executing a B2C strategy, you’re going for a drink. But in a culture of “looksmaxxing”, personal branding and endless self-optimisation, it’s easy to treat dating like a performance review. Every other video online tells you how to become more attractive, more successful, more desirable – as if connection is something you engineer through perfect self-presentation. But the more curated you become, the more self-conscious you often appear.
People rarely connect with perfectly packaged versions of each other. They connect with warmth, specificity, humour and awkwardness – signs there’s an actual person underneath the packaging.
13. Have friends of the opposite sex
The more varied your social world, the better your relationships tend to be. Research consistently shows that broader friendship networks are linked to higher wellbeing, while cross-gender friendships in particular help build empathy and perspective. If the only time you spend with women is when you’re dating them, it’s easy to project, overanalyse or fall back on stereotypes.
14. Date the person, not the narrative
“It’s so easy to fall into the trap of viewing women through what you hear online, what the algorithm is telling you and what your past experiences have been,” says David Chambers, a men’s coach, speaker and podcaster.
That lens is often the problem. Instead of getting to know someone, you end up filtering everything they say through expectation. The person in front of you isn’t a pattern to recognise or a problem to solve. If you want to connect, drop the preconceived narrative and be in the moment.
15. Leave room for nuance
One bad date does not mean “FML dating is broken, I’ll never be loved”. Equally, one great date does not mean “this is The One”. Modern dating culture has become intensely binary – soulmate or waste of time, green flag or red flag, obsessed or ghosted. In the process, we’ve lost the middle ground, where most real relationships actually exist.
The same applies to rejection. It isn’t a sign something’s gone wrong, it’s part of the process. The instinct is to catastrophise, retreat or take it as a verdict on your worth.
“It’s important to build your rejection resilience muscle,” as the renowned relationship coach Jillian Turecki notes. “First, it makes a person more attractive. Second, it’s just part of life. You have to become more resilient. You have to trust you’re not for everyone and not everyone’s for you.”
Not every connection is meant to work out. But every now and then, one does. And that possibility is the whole reason to keep showing up.