A good romantic relationship is, above all else, a constant learning experience. Over time, you discover your partner’s likes and dislikes, you discern what you need and what they need. Essentially, you must learn how to function as a unit. But, in a long-term relationship, it can be easy to become passive or take things for granted. Or, in a new relationship, to start off on the wrong foot by not being conscientious. Want to avoid some of the biggest relationship pitfalls? Read our list below on the ways in which you can be a better partner, no matter where you are in your romantic journey.

A good relationship starts with you. “Learning how to be a better partner requires you to look inward,” says Sharnade George, a psychotherapist and the CEO of Cultureminds Therapy. “You need to know how to control your own emotions and behaviours.”

This could mean learning self-regulation techniques such as breathwork, stating positive affirmations on days when you’re feeling low or practising mindfulness.

“People who listen to each other and let each other speak stand out to me,” says Georgina Lawton, an author who writes about conflicts in relationships for The Guardian. “I’ve been on calls when the man speaks over the woman, or vice versa. When people do genuinely listen to each other it really helps their relationship.”

As much as possible, she encourages partners to look each other in the eyes and not to interrupt. Active listening means listening attentively, reflecting and responding to what is said without judgement.

While most people admit to having lied to a romantic partner, aspiring to be more honest with the people we love can be transformative. A 2012 study found that when people were more honest, they often felt better about their relationships and were in better health, too. Speaking straightforwardly and communicating your emotions, both good and bad, is a good place to start.

There are as many ways to approach conflict as there are snowflakes. “Do you like to air it all out and find solutions in one conversation?” says Brent Phillips, a self-styled men’s coach, who shares advice on TikTok. “Do you prefer to write it all out and avoid difficult conversations in person? From there you can work on finding a compromise. Once you know your style, work with your partner on learning their approach.”

“A phrase I treasure is ‘attack behaviours, not people’,” Phillips says. “Address problematic behaviours by expressing how they made you feel. Instead of saying, ‘You don’t care about me’, describe the behaviour in question, then explain the feelings that it invoked. The goal is to help them understand unintentional harm caused.”

“Conflict in a relationship is inevitable,” George says. “The main goal is to not win or lose an argument, but develop a new mindset that can help you both grow together instead of becoming distant.”

George suggests focusing on your feelings and validating your partner’s experiences.

“If you’re solely living for your partner and the relationship that you’ve created together, you will get lost in that relationship,” says the psychotherapist Nikita Amin. “I love being outdoors. I like the adventure stuff – and my husband hates it. So, I do it with my friends and family instead.”

Joanna Harrison, a couples’ therapist and the author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have, views time apart as “very powerful”. However, she thinks that becoming attuned to what the separation means for your partnership is essential. She suggests discussing the time apart in advance. “You could say: ‘I’m going off on a trip’ or, ‘This weekend, I’m doing something really fun for myself. How should we plan for that?’”

Cheating is one of the leading causes of breakups and divorces. “Cheating is usually a symptom of something else,” says the writer and sex therapist Gigi Engle. “If you’re thinking about cheating on your partner, you need to look at what’s happening in the relationship that’s causing you to feel that way.”

This may be easier said than done, but tackling problems in a relationship before things cross the line will likely save you both time, money and heartache.

“Learn what stresses your partner out,” Phillips says. “What are the little things that make them anxious or upset?” You don’t have to agree that these things are stressful, but acknowledging them and avoiding behaviours or habits that irritate them – especially if they don’t mean as much to you – will go a long way towards creating harmony.

“My most important piece of advice would be to repeat the mantra, ‘If it is important to you, it is important to me’,” Phillips says. “By making their needs important to me, I show them they are important, they are heard and that their wellbeing is important to me, no matter how trivial the task may seem.”

“Being reliable, being dependent, being somebody who your partner can lean on and count on, will be a huge factor in having a stronger relationship,” Engle agrees. “Showing up when you say you will creates a much stronger and more secure attachment.” That might mean attending events with them or just sitting on the couch and listening when they need support.

“Being more thoughtful in your interactions with your partner involves checking in with them,” George says. She highlights the work of relationship theorist Dr John M Gottman, who uses the exercise “love-map building”.

“It involves couples staying curious about each other, asking each other questions to explore their world and taking notice of the little things,” George says.

The psychologist Professor Erik Erikson suggests that it is vital for us to establish intimate relationships as part of healthy development. “Greater intimacy may lead to greater passion or commitment,” George says.

It doesn’t just have to be confined to sex. It can be found in smaller moments of attentiveness, cuddling, comfortable self-expression and, perhaps most importantly, vulnerability.

“Sometimes true love needs a reminder that it’s still fun – even when it’s been forever,” says Whitney Bromberg Hawkings, CEO and founder of FLOWERBX. “A year-long flower subscription is a gift that’s got the longevity factor, along with the promise of surprises at every turn.”

If you’re reading this, now, on your phone, and you’re ignoring your partner, then that could be a problem. Research suggests that “technoference” (aka screen time) can have a negative impact on romantic relationships. Harrison suggests that you signal expectations to your partner around how long you’re likely to spend on your device – “for example, saying, ‘I’m just nipping onto my phone for five minutes’” – not just as a courtesy, but as a reminder that their time is important to you, too.

“You should go to therapy if there are lots of arguments with no resolutions,” Amin says. “You can argue and make up, but that doesn’t mean you resolve the issue. It just means you’ve swept it under the rug. Maybe it’s time to actively hear each other. The only way to do that, if you can’t do it at home, would be in a therapeutic space.”