This would-be influencer’s chief ambition in life is to sign a loungewear deal with a fast-fashion retailer. He checks his social media analytics daily. This guy spends hours in the gym, and for 11 months a year, eats rice, chicken breasts, broccoli and protein powder, six times a day. His chat is banal, revolving around the gym and meal prep. He claims to be 6ft 1in, but isn’t. He would jump at any occasion to wear a tight-fitting suit. He hates WFH as it means he can’t flex in said suit on the Tube on the way to work. He faces an existential crisis when he finally realises that a personality is more important than a nice pair of arms.

NB: shirtless bathroom mirror pics are the most upsetting – especially when a toilet is visible in the background. According to recent research, women rate shirtless men to be less competent and lower in social appeal. Just because you have the right to bare arms doesn’t mean you should use it.

Will immediately call you babe. And eventually baby. Has loads of girl mates. Who he also calls babe. Gets a haircut once a week. Any opportunity for a new dating profile pic, he’s there. Has no issue featuring a total stranger’s puppy in his photoshoots. Requires a lot of back-and-forth on the app before he eventually comes clean about the dog: “Not mine babe haha x”. A desperate edgelord who uses Klarna to buy clothes he can’t afford. Loves eating out at boujee restaurants (which he also can’t afford) and will take a video of Every. Single. Course. Texts 25/7 and hates being alone.

Lacking confidence, always on the edge of the banter, this guy’s invited on the lad’s holiday last minute because someone else pulled out. You always feel a pang of compassion for the group-pic guy. Innocently hopeless, but means well; his generosity and purity are exploited by other male app users, with their trout or without their shirts. He has a really close relationship with his parents, especially his mum. An all-round sensitive soul, this guy will pull out all the stops on your first date. But probably won’t get a second.

NB: one or even two group shots is acceptable. But do not lead with this. Few potential matches are going to spend more time than necessary cross-referencing group pictures. Scrolling can be soul destroying enough – don’t make it harder than it needs to be.

Wait, are those rosy cheeks, fluttering eyelashes and an impossibly perfect complexion… a filter? Not sure what the hell this guy’s playing at. A rarer breed than the rest (less rare are his tattoos – a lion, a rose and a clock), there are a few subsects here: one’s in his late forties, might be, say, an actor, looking for a match who is half his age after his last girlfriend’s sell-by date expired. The other has just turned 18, but late to hit puberty. These guys are catfish. After some less-than-mediocre small talk, they’ll ask if you’re interested in bitcoin investing. Block immediately.