The New Liverpool Rubber Company is credited with the invention of the sneaker, or beach shoe as it was then known, in the 19th century. The first recorded use of the word “sneaker” was in 1917 and alluded to the fact that the rubber soles allowed the wearer to sneak up on people. The sneaker was soon adapted for tennis – sneaking being of limited application – while Messrs Adolf (“Adi”) and Rudolf Dassler pioneered new styles of running and football shoes in Germany in the 1920s. Converse’s iconic canvas high-top was introduced in 1922 and was still being used on basketball courts 50 years later.

We have come a long way since then. Or perhaps we haven’t, since many of us are still wearing trusty Chuck Taylors – we sell them at MR PORTER, after all.

Sneakers have become the go-to shoes for the everyman. Or rather there’s a specific shoe for every man. A century of development across various sporting fields has led to a diverse range of styles. But which one is for you? First work out which sneaker tribe you fall into.

Like the plot of the Back To The Future films, this guy’s references are dotted along various points across numerous timelines. One day, he’ll rock up to the design studio where he works in original New Balance 990s from a reality where vegan pineapple leather was developed in the early 1980s. The next day, he’ll be wearing a Spezial edition of an adidas mid-century classic, remixed by a designer who is yet to graduate from Central Saint Martins. Last week, he wore a pair that looked like they were a mash-up of every out-there running shoe from the late 1990s. On closer inspection, they were a model released this year. Still, they popped with his upcycled BODE chore coat and white jeans. It’s like someone took the best moments of the past and rebuilt them using only premium materials. Retro, but entirely of the now – and wow.

Given the high scores and dizzying speeds of basketball, it makes sense that tooling up for the sport has become an arms race. The newest shoes offer marginal gains for end-to-end play. And, boy, does your boy like to keep up. True, the latest Jordans would be better suited to Space Jam than a basketball court and the limited-edition reissues don’t even pretend to improve performance, but he blazing colourways are fire. Then there are the designers taking their cues from basketball’s 1980s heyday and turning out kicks that are pure fashion. He always has room in his wardrobe for high-tops crammed full of the latest tech – anything to give him that push. One day, he might even make it in the NBA. Never mind that he’s 37 and 5ft 7in. Man can still dream big, even if he isn’t.

Given you’re here, at MR PORTER, you probably subscribe to the notion that the way we dress can be a means of self-expression. We make paradigmatic choices with the clothes we wear – and footwear is a key component. The key component, perhaps. You can tell a lot about a man from his shoes (read more on that here). So, what is there to say about a guy whose sneakers seem to be deliberately personality-free? Does that mean he is devoid of an identity? Or is he so self-confident that he doesn’t need to set out his stall with his feet? Does he mean to blend in? Or, given the luxury fabrication, and the fact that he holds some vague role in finance, is he a cut above the average? He has either really thought this through or put no thought into it at all. He’s an enigma in box-fresh Common Projects – and we’re just projecting onto him.

What was it that Lord Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the Scouts, instilled in us? The least problematic bit. Always be prepared. Well, these shoes are built for anything. We’re talking tricked-out, mil-spec hardware, rendered in GORE-TEX, designed with the most punishing conditions in mind. They will tackle tundra, dance through deserts and maintain their composure even on molten magma. Hell, they’ll even stand firm – and run fast – in hell, or whatever denuded, toxic landscape awaits us, thanks to climate change. They boast grippy Vibram soles and a Kevlar coating to withstand the detonation of incendiary devices, should you wander into a war zone. Or the garden department of Home Depot on a busy weekend, certainly.

Talk about rushing in where angels fear to tread, this character wears pioneering running shoes with – is it a vulcanised Cuban heel and midsole wedge that also serves as a drink holder? A sequined one-piece neoprene upper inspired by a diver’s wetsuit? A cushioning unit that’s an actual cumulus cloud? Where most sneakerheads cite Mr Tinker Hatfield (old school) or Mr Salehe Bembury (new) as their favourite designer, this Demna disciple lists – with a straight face – the Swiss surrealist Mr HR Giger. Throw in voluminous pink cargo pants with a multitude of straps, a fluffy mohair sweater and a puffer coat that looks like it was generated by AI and he’s set for his internship at a mid-ranking fashion label, where he’ll roll his eyes and grudgingly fetch the coffee. Once. And even then, get the order wrong.