You’re out of office. In theory. Poolside in Puglia, an ice-cold beer glistening beside you; the sun is warm on your shoulders, the smell of SPF and sweat a constant reminder your summer vacation is officially here. And yet… your thumb is compulsively refreshing your inbox. Relaxing, it turns out, isn’t quite as effortless as we think.
Modern rest isn’t passive – it’s a skill, and one most of us haven’t mastered. As the psychologist and fatigue specialist Professor Vincent Deary recently put it: “Work needs rest, and rest takes work. We need to allow ourselves to rest, to nap, to enjoy… and deliberately switch on to joy and nourishment.” And yet, for many, switching off feels unnatural. A disorienting void where productivity used to live.
It’s not our fault. Between intense hustle culture, post-pandemic anxiety and the dopamine loops of our phones, even downtime is starting to look suspiciously like work. We plan holidays like military operations. We track our sleep like we’re training for the Olympics. We charge off on wellness weekends and return with emptier wallets and fuller inboxes.
“I often see that rest doesn’t feel safe for many men,” says Dr Sophie Mort, a psychologist, bestselling author of <(Un)Stuck> [https://www.simonandschuster.co.uk/books/(Un)Stuck/Dr-Sophie-Mort/9781471197567] and mental health expert at Headspace. “It feels like weakness, or worse, failure. In therapy, men will often say, ‘I don’t know how to switch off,’ but what they often mean is, ‘I don’t know who I am without being productive.’”
This is because, culturally, many men are still wired to value output, control and stoicism. So, when the laptop finally closes, what rises to the surface? Guilt, restlessness and even shame. It’s not a lack of willpower, it’s a nervous system primed to treat stillness as a threat. And with work now living in our pockets, every “ping” feels like a test of relevance.