Five expert tips on mother-son relationships this Mother’s Day.

If you were to put together a list of festive occasions labelled Forget These At Your Peril, chances are Mother’s Day would be on it. Somewhere near the top. Celebrated towards the end of March (ie, this Sunday, 26 March) in the UK and later (14 May – go on, write it down) across the Atlantic, it’s not, in all honesty a hugely onerous affair. But yes, you do definitely have to buy a card, and potentially some flowers, to avoid appearing utterly insensitive to the occasion. Consider this a timely warning from MR PORTER.

While we’re at it, perhaps it’s a good time to reflect upon the notion of men and motherhood – a topic that, despite having universal relevance, tends to occupy relatively few column inches. The truth is, while many men might consider a healthy, doughty father-son relationship to be the bedrock of masculinity (we at MR PORTER are, of course, big fans of this topic), we don’t often talk about how we do or don’t get along with the matriarchs in the family. Or how we might do it better. Sensing not just an SEO opportunity, but a genuinely interesting area for journalistic exploration, we thought it high time we got some advice on bonding with the sources of our relative beings. And so we turned to Dr Becky Spelman, registered psychologist at the Private Therapy Clinic in London to provide some expert advice on breezing through some potentially tricky mother-son scenarios. And not a moment too soon. Scroll down to discover how to deal with criticism, deflect all the embarrassing stories, and remind Mum that she’s special to you this Mother’s Day.

We wouldn’t dare suggest that all mothers are critical of their sons. But when they are – and yes, OK, they often are – it tends to feel that little bit more personal and hurtful than, say, being corrected at work, or among friends. How best to cope, if she’s making you feel you’re not good enough?

“Mothers criticise their children because they want the best for them,” says Dr Spelman. “But positive reinforcement is generally the best disciplinary tool. As adults, we can use positive reinforcement with our mothers, too, by responding positively to warmth and acceptance, and reacting as little as possible to undue criticism.”

Most mothers are fairly keen on babies, the main evidence of this theory being the fact that we all exist. But although babyhood is but a single page in the book of our lives, stories of its madcap antics tend to spin themselves out for many unwelcome repeats. Particularly at dinner tables. Particularly when new partners are involved. Why is this, and what can we do about it?

“Mothers love to recall cute stories from their kids’ childhood, and can overlook, or even enjoy, the fact that these stories can be embarrassing,” says Dr Spelman. “The stories remind them of a time when their children were young, and needed and loved them completely. If you really can’t stand Mum sharing these memories in public, have a quiet word with her. Tell her you’re happy to hear her stories on your own, but you’d rather keep to more adult topics in company.”

You can, and should, do a lot of things for your mother. But, no, you can never do as much as she has already done for you. You can also, strictly speaking, never really return the same amount of affection. But, says Dr Spelman, you should definitely try.

“While there are always exceptions, most mothers love their children no matter what they do, and whatever age they are,” she says. “Children love their mothers, too, but as part of the natural process of growing up and moving on, their love has some different qualities. Mothers appreciate being reminded that they are deeply cared for, even when they are no longer needed in the same way. As an adult, you can show your mother that you care by including her in some of your activities and interests, and in this way find a new way to relate to one another.”

Unlike most people you encounter in your life, there are no boundaries with your mother. She won’t be afraid to ask you why you can’t seem to settle down with anyone, or about your plans for the future, or why you hedonistically fritter away all your spare cash on restaurants and designer clothes (see point one). But you will be very much afraid to answer. Such questions can feel a little bit like a painful jab in the ribs. What if – like most of us – you don’t really know the answers?

“When your mum asks you intrusive questions, it’s almost certainly because she loves you, cares about you, and just wants you to be happy,” says Dr Spelman. “If you are happy with your life as it is, don’t be afraid to reassure your mother that you are fine, even if your vision of what life should be like is not quite the same as hers. If you are struggling, asking for some practical advice might make her less intrusive, not more, as she will feel useful and appreciated.”

You may feel that your relationship with your mother is as peachy as can be. Whatever you do, she showers you with praise and tells you it’s OK. Whatever decisions you make, she heartily approves. If that’s the case, what a lucky fellow you are. But there is a flipside – unadulterated praise of the motherly kind can leave us with other issues.

“Some mothers seem to believe their children can do no wrong,” says Dr Spelman. “This can be sweet, up to a point, but it’s not really a very healthy attitude. Golden boys – or girls – can worry that they won’t live up to the hype, develop unreasonable expectations of their own abilities, or fear that they are not allowed to display weakness. Explain to your mother that, like everyone else, you have days when you struggle, and she may learn to hold back on the praise. But when it annoys you, remember that it comes from a place of love.”

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