A new book by Ms Gael Lindenfield examines the nuances of dealing with regrettable behaviour. Here we reveal her expert guide to mastering the art of the apology.

Ever made a mistake? No, us neither. But seriously – everyone does bad things sometimes. And then comes the guilt. Guilt is such a universal – and often mundane – experience, that you don’t usually give it a second thought. In fact, a hallmark of most guilt is that on some level you feel as though you deserve it.

But in her new book, Skip The Guilt Trap, leading psychotherapist and self-esteem expert Ms Gael Lindenfield suggests that guilt is a much more nuanced and damaging state of mind than we generally acknowledge, whether it’s the kind of consequential guilt you might feel for messing up at work or one of 10 different types of potentially chronic guilt she identifies (such as religious guilt, survivor’s guilt and affluence guilt). According to Ms Lindenfield, we should expect and welcome guilt in certain situations – as it can also be a motivating factor – although in others it can get out of control. “Guilt, like anger, undermines confidence and self-esteem, which are both essential for good mental and emotional health,” she says, adding that the effects of (sometimes undetected) guilt can range from stressful physical reactions to mental-health issues such as depression and OCD.

Given this, her book aims to provide a series of practical steps to lessen and remedy feelings of guilt. One of which, as you might expect, is making a proper apology. “It isn’t the only answer, but it is the very best first step you can take,” says Ms Lindenfield. So how to do it? Scroll down for Ms Lindenfield’s guide to four basic elements that every good apology should contain.

If you’re going to confront guilt, you need to acknowledge what you’re guilty of, and communicate it confidently to the offended party.

“This is about forcing yourself to use your head, and switching off the emotional side of your brain,” says Ms Lindenfield. “It’s about sticking to the facts and not feelings, and keeping your statement concise and to the point. Guilt makes us waffle and whine – both are turn-offs. You want the other person to listen. Aim to use only one sentence or two at the most. Or, write it down and sleep on it before editing again and again.”

A good apology should contain overt statements about how you feel and also demonstrate empathy with the other party concerned, according to Ms Lindenfield.

“Just state your own [point of view] simply – the empathy statement is the most important part with guilt… But remember that this exercise is for your benefit as well as theirs… so do it even if they don’t accept it.”

Apologising is all well and good, but the best way of showing that you mean it (and, incidentally, tackling your guilt head on) is by including a rationale for specific actions you will take to redress the situation. Being proactive in your apology will not only help the person you’re making it to, but help to make you feel better.

“Imagine yourself in their shoes and come up with something meaningful to them. Amends may not always seem possible, but remember if the person won’t take your amends (or is from your past, or dead), it will still help you with your guilt to ‘make amends’ by doing something worthwhile, eg, donating money or time to a charity or cause.”

The final step is important for rounding off your apology. Give an explanation of how your amends will improve the situation for both of you, to set the course of your relationship going forwards.

“This is the carrot that will make the person more likely to accept your apology,” says Ms Lindenfield. “You ‘hook’ them by outlining what they may gain if they do… Try to empathise with the other person to understand what kind of payoff would be meaningful and/or useful to them [an emotional payoff or a more tangible one]. There could be many different kinds of payoffs – if so, chose one, or at the most, two. If you give them a long list they will switch off and could begin to distrust you. Every stage of your script should be concise. It often helps to get someone else to help you edit it.”