A few alternative vices to tackle this autumn – from using emojis to talking about how intense your workouts are.

In the good old days, much of the Western world made do with Lent for self-abnegation. You gave something up, once a year, for 40 days, and it was significant. Because didn’t some famous guy give up something or other in some desert, that time? Now, of course, we live in a world where a large part of our energy is spent saying “no” to things, almost like it’s a leisure activity. Instagram is full of gluten-free, dairy-free snacks smugly assembled on wabi-sabi pottery. People such as Mr Joe Wicks (aka The Body Coach) advise that you can “stay lean” if you only “get boozy” twice a month, and more or less swear off restaurants completely.

Even beyond our diets, “no” is becoming the operative word. What, after all, do you say as you swipe through unappealing Tinder profiles? Or browse endless two-star, micro-budget movies on Netflix? Given this rather masochistic environment, it’s no surprise that, in addition to Lent, we now have “Dry January” (where you stop drinking) and, yes, here in the latter quarter of the year, “Stoptober” (where you stop smoking). While both practices are, of course, an undeniably good idea (death being one of the least-fun side-effects of having too much of a good time), not everyone has either a drinking or smoking habit to flagellate themselves with this coming month. If you’re one of those people, we’ve decided to take pity on you, and made the following list of other habits you might consider stopping as we edge into autumn. If you can make it for more than a month… even better.

What do you think the inventors of hands-free thought it would be used for, when they came up with the concept? Perhaps that it might be helpful when cooking. Or changing a nappy. Or driving a car. Essentially, scenarios when you need to use your hands for something. Walking down the street, or standing in public places, are not among these scenarios. So we’re always bemused as to why people insist on employing hands-free for these purposes, yawling out their most personal thoughts into the ether as they stomp across the road, instilling terror into the hearts of every passer-by as they behave, to all intents and purposes, like a mad person on a violent rampage. This was not the way things were meant to be. Just talk to the handset.

We at MR PORTER are, of course, rather keen on Instagram, being as it is among the most aesthetically pleasing of the social media channels. But imagine a wonderful world in which, for a month, there was a general amnesty in regards to posting, liking, commenting and all the activities you expect from the platform. Suddenly, we wouldn’t care that everyone seems to be permanently on holiday, or in the gym, all year round. Suddenly, giant swathes of productive time would open up for us, in which we might learn a new language, or start a band. You never know. Think about how much more people will like hearing from you, when they see… so much… less of you. Try it for a month. We’re intrigued.

It can’t reasonably be expected that every person in every major city in the world should know exactly where they’re going at any given point. This is part of the adventure of any new place, or even part of the pleasure of wandering around one’s own home town. However, the habit of stopping to consult a map, or a phone, or just to have a bit of a daydream, while in the middle of a bustling subway queue, or worse, at the entrance and/or exit to a particular train station, or shop, or other small opening, is something that must be stopped. Move to the side, or out of the way, and let everyone get on with their lives, for pity’s sake.

It’s not just antisocial, it’s dangerous, particularly if you’re driving, or crossing the road (yes, even when you’re on the hunt for new Pokémon Go). Stash your smartphone in your pocket for a month and take a glimpse at the world around you. It’s sometimes depressing, but markedly less so than Instagram (see point two).

The thing about exercise is, it’s mostly for your own benefit. And it certainly doesn’t have much of a narrative drive to it as, say, the disaster that occurred at a mutual friend’s last dinner party, or the flagrantly untrue rumour you might have heard about a topical celebrity. By which we mean the following: by all means go to the gym, but stop telling everyone about it. If you continue to do that, at best they’ll feel jealous and slightly insecure. At worst they’ll be incredibly bored. Neither is a great result for the efforts of any raconteur.

We’ve got to a point in interpersonal communication where we don’t really need to use words any more. Why? Because the internet has issued us with a set of a few hundred glassy-eyed, largely positive symbols that we can use instead. What’s the problem with that? Everything. Words are great for getting a point across, so use them. Despite what a large number of people may think, emojis don’t make you more witty, or more fun, or more creative – they just get you off the hook of having to come up with something effervescent and entertaining yourself. So try swearing off them for a while. It’s likely people will find you deeply intelligent, engaging and attractive.

Have you ever entertained the thought that you might be perfect just the way you are? No, of course not. Though Hollywood films often contain a nugget of this message at their core, reality does quite the opposite, bombarding you with adverts, diet plans and an endless stream of exhortations to do one thing or the other, the above list being a prime example. Perhaps, after all, there are a few vices that you can live with, so why not just concentrate on enjoying them, and trying to be a relatively good person in the rest of your life? Such an approach will save your friends the effort of grinding their teeth when you say things such as: “Oh, I’m off dairy this week, so no, sorry.”