Canada is a country stuck in the middle. We’re not British, and we’re not American. We’re a purgatory. Our country touts a national identity that I don’t ascribe to, which is all about hockey, beer and braving the cold. I’m a male figure skater who prefers vodka sodas and who detests snow.

After submitting my first draft of this tutorial, the kind and well-meaning editors at MR PORTER asked me to make it more about Zambonis, Tim Hortons and William Shatner. That is the very best way to get on the wrong side of a Canadian – old stereotypes about the machines used to groom ice rinks, crappy coffee and the famous people that everyone knows are Canucks. Yes it’s cold here, yes a lot of people drink Tim Hortons, and yes there’s a building at a university in Montreal named after the man who originally helmed the Starship Enterprise (the chrome dome from Next Gen is British). But this country and its people are more complicated than a boiled-down caricature of cold, coffee-drinking Captain Kirk freaks.

We have a great quality of life, but we’re terribly insecure about how we compare to other countries. We seem very liberal, but our current prime minister is a Bush-level conservative (he tried to repeal same-sex marriage! He hates arts funding!). What I’m trying to say is that we’re hard to pin down; we’re kind of slippery. We look and speak like Americans, we are still attached to the UK, but if we get mistaken for either, we get our backs up.

It’s confusing, for sure. So I’m here with some tips and secrets that will get any Canadian on your side instead of hating you from behind a polite smile.

Most of us can’t hear our own accents. We watch American TV, we listen to American music, and yet we have no idea that we say some words real funny. We’re in denial about our pronunciation – and it’s probably because you’re making fun of us incorrectly. Yes we have accents. But here’s the important thing: we don’t say “aboot”, we say “aboat”. If you’re going to mock us, at least get it right, ya hosers.

We get it. You hate Justin Bieber. We know he’s Canadian and we know you know he’s Canadian. Know who else is? Ryan “Gun Show” Gosling, Frank Gehry, Arcade Fire, Seth Rogen, Lorne Michaels, Coco Rocha, James Cameron, Tatiana Maslany. See, we’re invading your countries and influencing you and you had no idea. We’re cunning that way.

A lot of Americans don’t understand why the US and Canada aren’t just one big country. I get it. We’re very similar. But, if you mistake a Canadian for an American we will be deeply offended. We really want you to know that we’re not American. We sew Canadian flags on our backpacks when travelling to make sure that Europeans don’t think we’re American, because all we heard growing up is how rude Americans are. Do Europeans care? Probably not. But we, as a people, think that being Canadian as a traveller makes us special.

No, we don’t live in igloos, but sure, I’ve built an igloo, and yeah, I’ve seen lots of moose. This is an understandable stereotype. However, millions of Canadians live further south than the US states of Montana, Washington and North Dakota. Alaska. Alaska, you guys. America has a whole state that’s further north than 99% of Canadians ever see. Even Edinburgh is further north than Edmonton. So, make fun of our snowy vastness all you like, but when all that snow melts we’ll be the first ones with fresh water.

Canadian cities are so cute. We’re like the world’s little brothers and sisters, jumping up and down, trying to get attention. We want so badly to be a part of the “New York, London, Paris” brand subtitles on shop windows. Toronto, in particular, is desperate to be seen as a world-class city. So much so that it built a sort of replica of Times Square called Dundas Square. Isn’t that crazy? Why would anyone want to replicate Times Square? That place is awful! And so, if you want to make a Canadian feel good, just tell them that you like the city they’re from way better than Tokyo or Milan. It will make their day.

Lastly – and this is actually a plea to all Canadians out there – own it. Please. Just be Canadian. Don’t try to be Canadian. I know we’ve had pressure from our government and our media to create “Canadian Content”. You are Canadian Content. No matter what you’ve been told, tell whatever story you want to tell. Being born in Canada is enough to make you Canadian. You don’t have to talk about wildlife. You don’t have to love Anne Murray (although she is totally awesome). Just be you, be cool, be chill, and don’t worry what anyone else thinks of you.