A heads up on what will happen next year. Maybe.

Here’s one prediction for you: in future years, once the world’s culture is completely globalised and flattened out, we won’t talk about December in terms of religious festivals. No, it will simply be called “Roundup Season”, a heartwarming, magical time in which all your favourite blogs and websites compile unlimited lists of their favourite things of the past 12 months. Before that happens, though, we thought we’d try something new – a glance into MR PORTER’s very own crystal ball, in the hopes of anticipating some of the key moments of the coming year. A pre-emptive round-up if you will. Scroll down to discover what, in our opinion, will definitely, definitely happen in the next 12 months. Because, after all, there weren’t many surprises in 2016, were there?

Mr Elvis Presley found alive and well. The Loch Ness Monster is discovered. The Queen tops the charts to take Christmas number one. Just a few things that the bookies thought were more likely than Leicester City winning the Premier League last year. But that they did. The team now lie in a more realistic 14th in the table. However, given they recently topped their Champions’ League group to progress to the last 16th to face Sevilla – we think they’re saving themselves for glory in Europe. They’re currently 66/1 with some bookies to win the thing. So place your bets now.

As you might be able to deduce from the above, we’re feeling extremely optimistic about 2017. Whatever happens, it will be a good year. Why? The upheaval we experienced in 2016 – war, controversial politics, the death of, well, everyone – was unprecedented. So much so that there isn’t any more bad things left to happen. At least for a while, anyway. They’ve all been used up. So enjoy it and think positive.

Having said back in January 2016 that he would never go solo, because he is “not a c*nt”, the former Beady Eye singer Mr Liam Gallagher has since announced he is releasing a solo album with Warner Bros in 2017. So he’s set to have a busy next year, then. Factor in that the Oasis reunion he so badly desires depends on his relationship with his brother Noel (whom he spent 2016 abusing on social media) – and you have a Mancunian front man with neither the time nor the inclination to be nasty. Mr Liam Gallagher the gentleman – you heard it here first.

Fake news (spurious content taken as gospel and shared either to garner traffic, or create propaganda for political gain) was one of the big stories of 2016. Such was the problem; Facebook has changed its algorithm to help deal with it. In this “post-truth” society, we’re all lame, gullible foals – prepared to believe in anything if it appeals to our emotions. So in 2017, we fully expect the journalism award winners to be benign news satire sites like The Onion – which is often mistaken as a serious news source anyway.

President Barack Obama is soon to become merely Mr Barack Obama, and, come January, he will be in the market for a job. So, what’s a formidable guy like him to do? Start a business, of course. And what business, exactly? A fashion label churning out “dad jeans”, naturally. The man has been showing the world how to wear slightly-too-big blue denim for years and, if anyone has the social media power to make something a hit it is him. So, start wearing the trend before everyone else and buy all your jeans a few sizes too big.

Following the logic that what was socially acceptable one year will be deathly un-cool the next, and given the largely gender-fluid nature of the 12 months past, perhaps, in 2017 we will all find our veins flooded with testosterone and predisposed to all things super-masculine. Football ratings will soar. Workwear and heavy tailoring will proliferate. Mr Jeremy Clarkson will be the star of the next Burberry campaign. Sure he will.

Yes, not everything that happens on the runway ends up on the streets. But sometimes it does. Look, for example, at the turnaround for men’s style that was prompted by Mr Hedi Slimane’s super-skinny designs for Dior Homme in the mid-2000s. Could Mr Demna Gvasalia’s outrageously broad-shouldered jackets for Balenciaga (reminiscent of the 1980s stage costumes of Talking Heads singer Mr David Byrne) be the next skinny jeans? For the fun of it, OK, let’s say so.

After adding its “Stories” feature (essentially undercutting Generation Z’s favourite app Snapchat), Instagram will take the next step in its plan for merciless world domination by doing an UberEATS and adding a one-click food delivery service for anything you see on the platform. Suddenly, all those delicately decorated lattes, towers of #avocadotoast and #healthy high-protein, low-carb lunches will be yours to sample at the touch of a button. Just don’t be entirely surprised if it all turns out to be better to photograph than actually eat.

Mr Elon Musk, the man who privatised space travel, who wants to colonise Mars, who wants to tunnel under the earth to avoid traffic jams, who has promised a 700kmph Hyperloop train in the near future, has just joined US President-Elect Mr Donald Trump’s advisory council. There are also currently some complications – to put it lightly – between the US and Russia. What could be more logical than the resumption of the frantic, rocket-building, moon-flagging madness that defined the 1960s? And which designer brand will be the first on the moon? Watch this space.

After the runaway success of the paleo and Whole30 diets, the trick of which, seemingly, is that you’re not allowed to eat anything that you couldn’t have rustled up with a blunt piece of wood and a few groans during our truly #fitspirational pre-history, dieting experts discover a new, more effective diet, which takes us back further, to the era of the giant lizards. In 2017, restrict your intake to conifers, ferns and pterodactyls and you’ll really find the pounds drop off. Happy extinction!