The tricks to make you look smarter than you actually are.

You’re a dolt. You’re addicted to your iPhone and you barely read anything of note. The last book you physically held in your hands was a ghostwritten footballer autobiography and, in situations when you’re surrounded by the intimidatingly bookish, you are lost at sea. All they want to do is discuss highbrow literature, and all you want to do is avoid looking stupid.

The good news is that it’s never been easier to fake how well-read you are. Take it from a master, these quick coping strategies will save your life.

STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW

Even if you only rarely read, you probably have a field of expertise – you just might not know it. Maybe you went through a brief Mr Haruki Murakami phase at university. That’s great! It means you have a decent grounding in magic realism, so whenever it comes up you can nod and say “Ah yes, like Kafka On The Shore,” with total confidence. In fact, it might be worth bolstering your speciality by doing some further reading. Nothing too heavy, mind. Don’t read Mr Murakami’s 1Q84, for example. It’ll take you three years and most of that will be spent ploughing through endless dinner descriptions.

“READ” THE ESSENTIALS

Take a look at one of those “50 Books To Read Before You Die” lists that perennially choke the life out of Facebook (this MR PORTER list is a good starting point). These are the classics, the books people will discuss again and again. Now, obviously you’re not going to actually read all these books before you die – because “Quite liked books” is a terrible obituary – and, well, if you’re reading this article, you don’t really have a deep passion for literature, do you? But that doesn’t mean there aren’t workarounds. Almost all these books have film adaptations, for instance. Watch those. Or watch the trailers. Or have the trailers on in the background while you play Candy Crush on your phone. It’s the same as reading.

USE THESE CATCH-ALL PHRASES

This is by far the easiest way to look clever: a well-timed quip to keep people at arm’s length until you retreat to safety. For instance, you can claim that anything is a subtextual theme of any book – for example, “Of course nuclear paranoia is a huge part of Sense And Sensibility” – and nobody will bat an eyelid. And if you only know one literary term, say, pathetic fallacy, then be sure to praise the author’s use of it, whether it’s Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas or S_tig Of The Dump_. And always say that you preferred everyone’s earlier work, because that singles you out as a purist. Finally, remember that book conversations only exist to make other people feel inadequate, so your best weapon here is a silent disdainful smirk whenever anyone says anything that sounds contentious.

LEARN THINGS ONLY AN EXPERT WOULD KNOW

Treat conversations about books as a learning experience. You’re going to hear a lot of hifalutin opinions that you should absolutely pass off as your own next time. Specifically, listen out for anything that sounds controversial. If a beloved author like Ms JK Rowling or Ms Maya Angelou is called a fraud or a hack – or if someone declares a populist book by Mr Andy McNab or Mr Richard Madeley to be a lost classic – keep it in the bank for next time, because it might shock the group into talking about something less boring.

WIKIPEDIA IS YOUR BEST FRIEND

Don’t forget, you have the sum total of all human knowledge sitting in your pocket. Whenever the conversation starts to zone in on one particular book, simply excuse yourself to the toilet and Wikipedia the hell out of it. For example, did you know that Ulysses imitates styles from different periods of English literature? Or that Mr James Joyce’s stream of consciousness technique is a masterfully faithful representation of the flow of thought, feeling, mental reflection and shifts of mood? Me neither, because I’m buggered if I’m ever going to read Ulysses all the way through. But I just spent five minutes looking it up on Wikipedia, and now I’m a thesis-level expert.