THE JOURNAL
Illustration by Ms Léonie Després
I have been stood up, pied, ghosted, led on, gaslit and completely ignored. My nerves have been frayed. My confidence? Absolutely obliterated. And that’s just in compiling this story. My dating past is chequered, too. The point is that nothing I have experienced at a dinner table or on an app compares to the emotional rollercoaster of, you know, talking about it or, as here, writing about it. As a rule, men don’t like sharing about their personal romantic lives in a public forum. I can name various women who have produced fantastic books, columns and TV shows on the topic. But men? Not a whisper. We can debate why – fear of cancellation, sexism, chivalry? – or we could just give it a go ourselves and see what happens.
In this gung-ho spirit, we corralled five male writers and editors who are up for talking about their dating lives for your reading pleasure, warts and all. (Although not actually the warts. That would be horrific.)
01.
Mr Justin Myers
Otherwise known as The Guyliner, Mr Justin Myers is a columnist for GQ and Gay Times
Worst date
It’s disheartening to confront your own shallowness, but my heart sank as soon as I saw him. A face that had never known a smile, finger smudges on the lenses of his glasses and, clearly, untruthful about his age. But I believe in second chances, I told myself I could work with it. Then, the edamame arrived, and in went several pods unopened, into his mouth, my protests of “You have to, uh, pop the beans out” going ignored. He was still chewing when I left.
Best date
I’d spent so long self-editing, staring at the ground and never to the sky, convinced that I wasn’t worth a shot. But I went along anyway. What a surprise to get lost in the idea of who I could be, not who I was. To make a connection, be flirted with, to respond. And to give permission to be kissed on a packed dance floor by someone beautiful, until the envious and the lonely booed and slow-clapped us out of the bar. If my head was bowed, it was down to the weight of my crown, not shame. We dated for a bit; he dumped me after watching me try to get on a bicycle.
02.
Mr Rhys Thomas
Freelance writer and dating columnist for Vice
Worst date
On a second date that I was unsure about agreeing to in the first place, we “bumped” into her parents, who suggested we go for dinner with them. I said thanks, but we didn’t need to impose on their dinner. They insisted, so we… went for dinner with her parents. Just around the corner from where we happened to bump into them. When we got there, the waiter said, “Name?” And then, checking the booking, “Ah yes, table for four, this way.” If that wasn’t unnerving enough, her dad made quite a lot of jokes about me being Welsh, which felt less than friendly.
Best date
A first date, it started out at the pub at 3.00pm. Initially, the conversation was simple. By the end of the first beer, we were shifting from deep revelations to toilet humour with every sentence. We got in at 3.00am, having even gate-crashed some karaoke on the way. We did a duet to “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”, by Sir Elton John and Ms Kiki Dee. The classic karaoke duet. We shared some cheesy chips and had a cuddle with our clothes on. We’ve been good friends since.
03.
Mr Vincent Desmond
Writer and contributor to Vogue and The Guardian
Worst date
A few years back, I started talking to this guy on Grindr. Early into texting him, I could see a few red flags. However, he seemed fun and I was having a rough month, so I needed a pick-me-up. When we met, the conversation quickly turned to people he had slept with. In particular, people that I knew. There would be a lull in conversation and he would ask, “Do you know Adam?” Regardless of whether I said yes or no, he would give me the lowdown on how they dated or hooked up. Halfway into the date, I realised it wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe read the room? I’m awkwardly sitting and smiling while you tell me a random acquaintance and you used to hook up until they moved mad. Maybe, no?
Best date
I once mentioned to a guy that I do not like activity dates, I preferred being wined and dined. So, he decided to plan a whole day around that. The next Sunday, he took me to brunch. But it wasn’t just the brunch. It was how he carefully inserted himself into my life and beside me. He made it clear he was courting me and trying to impress. Right after we were done with brunch, we went to a lounge. He was very dedicated to getting great pictures of me. Someone once said you can tell how much someone likes you by how well they photograph you, and these pictures were all great. Each one. That meant something to me. A while after hanging out at the lounge, we headed to dinner. I was brunched, wined and then dined and it was simply everything I could hope for.
04.
Mr Rob Nowill
Editorial Director, MR PORTER
Worst date
I was coming to the end of a particularly bleak round of Hinge dates with a series of non-starters: a fever dream of untrimmed fingernails, uninspiring conversations and one guy who forgot my name mid-way through dinner. So, when I was stood up with a cursory “Sorry, I need to cancel” message while already waiting at a bar, my patience had expired. I left my absent date a lengthy and expletive-filled voicemail message letting him know how badly he had behaved. It felt pretty good to have put him in his place. Until the next morning, when he messaged me to let me know that he’d cancelled because his mother had died that afternoon.
Best date
I suppose I should say my “best” first date was the one where I met my current partner. But there’s something to be said for a date that is so bad – where the chemistry is so thuddingly non-existent – that both parties realise they might as well lean into it. Once you realise that you have zero vested interest in ever seeing each other again, both parties can fully relax. After all, what have you got to lose? On that score, I’d have to nominate a dinner date where we had quickly realised our non-compatibility and ordered tequila shots before the main course had even arrived. I remember little else. I’d like to say we went on to become dear friends, but we never spoke again. Great night, though.
05.
Mr Tom M Ford
Freelance writer
Worst date
My first ever match on a dating app was a beautiful woman who read Russian literature. Two pints down, the conversation was flowing; I’d clearly gotten very lucky. However, things soon started drifting into the realms of the peculiar. She announced that she was gay and ordered drugs to the pub. Sensing that any potential romance was already lost, but the night might not be, I suggested we go to another place where my friends were DJing. A few hours later, my friend and I had been invited back to my date’s house and were exchanging nervous glances as we were shown naked photographs of her on holiday. To cap the evening off, my date fed me a sleeping tablet, sent me to her bed and then tried it on with my pal.
Best date
When the kiss fits, the particulars of the evening fall away. It was in a loft somewhere in west London and it wasn’t even a date until we ended up in her bed. Pints of gin and tonic. A conversation about Scotland. Her house smelt of antique wood and tobacco and I knew it was going to last. It did last, until it didn’t.