THE JOURNAL
Illustrations by Mr Calum Heath
The London Marathon returns this weekend. It arrives hot on the heels of Berlin, marking the peak of a busy autumn running calendar that reaches its conclusion next month in New York. Over the next few weekends, hundreds of thousands of eager amateurs from around the world will take to the streets to run, walk and hobble their way around a 26.2-mile course, their only rewards a plasticky medal, chafed nipples and long-term cartilage damage.
We’re joking, of course. There is plenty to enjoy about long-distance running, even if it can be a bit uncomfortable at times. But when it comes to the marathon – a ridiculous distance by anyone’s standards – discomfort isn’t just a part of the experience. It is the experience. You are supposed to have a horrible time. That’s the whole point. Without some great difficulty to overcome, is it even a challenge? Can you really claim to have achieved anything at all?
The problem with marathons is that they take far too long. We’re not just talking about the event itself, which takes three hours even if you’re going at a fair pace, but the training – hour after interminable hour of it – required to make it to the start line. What is the time-poor masochist to do? As luck would have it, there are a few alternatives out there that offer a more expedient path to the suffering you so clearly crave. From extreme claustrophobia to hot chilli torture, here are three painful pastimes to indulge in this autumn, all while keeping your knees intact.
01.
Go spelunking
In the cult horror manga The Enigma Of Amigara Fault by Mr Junji Ito, an earthquake reveals a series of human-shaped holes in the side of a mountain – holes which visitors to the site feel compelled, by some strange and irresistible force, to enter. We won’t spoil the ending, but suffice to say it perfectly encapsulates the primal fear of being lodged in a tight space with no way out but forward.
It’s the thrill of confronting this perfectly natural, almost universal, phobia that drives us (well, some of us) to partake in the wonderfully named pastime of spelunking. Otherwise known as caving or potholing, it’s a broad term that covers all aspects of underground exploration, from canyoning to abseiling, but in its most extreme form it’s all about squeezing the human body through small spaces. And they are incredibly small, with some gaps requiring you to inch forward on your stomach or even exhale to contract your ribcage in order to make it through. Caveman Hikes on YouTube does an excellent job of capturing the horror of this understandably niche pastime. Claustrophobics, watch at your peril.
02.
Eat incredibly hot chillies
Heard of the Scoville scale? It’s used to measure the spiciness of chilli peppers. With a Scoville rating of anywhere between 100,000 and 350,000 SHU or Scoville heat units, the Scotch Bonnet is generally regarded as an extremely fiery chilli, to the extent that you are advised to wear latex gloves while handling it. In the world of extreme chilli eating, however, where hybrid chilli variants with ominous names such as Carolina Reaper or Pepper X can boast Scoville ratings in the millions, it’s little more than an amuse bouche.
Given a huge popularity boost by interview show Hot Ones and social trends such as the One Chip Challenge, where you eat a single tortilla chip that has been made with “the hottest peppers on the planet” and wait as long as you can before eating or drinking anything else, competitive chilli and hot-sauce eating has gone from quirky subculture to mainstream craze in record time. Which is strange when you consider that the active compound in spicy peppers, capsaicin, acts not on your taste buds but on your pain receptors. And doubly strange when you remember that chilli doesn’t just burn on the way in.
03.
Try cold-water swimming
Popularised by Mr Wim Hof, an endurance athlete and motivational speaker known as The Iceman, cold therapy – the practice of exposing the body to low temperatures for short periods of time – is increasingly seen as a potent form of alternative treatment. Studies show that it can help to reduce inflammation and speed up recovery after exercise. That’s not all. It is great for clearing the mind, too. Just as long-distance running is known to induce a flow state of meditative calm and hyperfocus, so advocates of cold therapy apparently enjoy improved levels of concentration.
We say “apparently” because, despite the reported benefits, we haven’t tried it ourselves. Can you blame us when it involves standing under a cold shower or jumping into an icy bath? Don’t let our cowardice put you off. Those made of sterner stuff are more than welcome to join the hardy souls braving the frigid waters of their local lido this winter.
Illustration by Calum Heath