THE JOURNAL

Messrs Ronnie Wood and Keith Richards ride in their private jet during their New Barbarians tour, 1979. Photograph by Mr HenryDiltz/Corbis via Getty Images
Out today, Touring And Mental Health: The Music Industry Manual is a new 640-page book intended to help musicians and music business professionals deal with the physical and psychological turbulence that comes with life on the road. A hefty and serious endeavour, it is written by healthcare professionals and comes endorsed by Beyoncé and Fleetwood Mac’s tour manager, and the drummer from Radiohead.
Yet, flicking through it, one is reminded not just of performing, but parenting. “Finding it hard to focus, concentrate, remember things clearly or make decisions,” it says, are normal emotional states. Touring also promotes “different patterns to your usual eating habits”, “reduced personal hygiene” and may lead to “increasing your use of legal or illegal substances”. Also watch out for “being frequently tearful” – there are some positive sides, too.
The parenting parallels were so profound, we wondered if we couldn’t use quotes from Touring And Mental Health to inspire some fatherly advice. Turns out the pressure cooker of a family unit with small kids is a lot like being in a rock’n’roll band crammed into the back of a crappy Transit bus (imagine Mr Keith Richards asking “Are we there yet?” every five minutes). Hello Cleveland!
01.
Better living through chemistry
“Performances are unique, co-created experiences, which have the power to alter your state of mind.”
There is some actual chemistry that links gigging and parenting. Oxytocin, the “love chemical”, is released when you’re connected with others in social settings – ie, performing or attending a concert. It’s also stimulated by orgasms, childbirth, breastfeeding and physical touch. Its main inhibitor is stress. Any parent of a young family will recognise the well-meaning enquiry of a parent-to-be, “So, er, what’s it like?”, and the feeling of trying to come up with some halfway useful answer. “Something perfectly balanced between overwhelming love and overpowering stress,” might be one.
According to research, modern-day dads are spending three times as much time with their kids as they did in 1965. That’s a good thing. Research says children with more involved fathers tend to have fewer behavioural and impulse control problems, longer attention spans and higher levels of sociability. Great for the kids.
But it comes with a big bag of stress, too – and certainly has “the power to alter your state of mind”. Diffuse stress by making sure you see friends and people outside your immediate family unit. Talk about what you’re finding tough. And don’t be so hard on yourself. Because parenting is one thing that no one is perfect at.
02.
Use your downtime wisely
“You’ll usually find that most people will get an hour, or an hour and a half, at some point during the day, to be able to go either sit quietly at their workstation, go to the crew-room or bus and chill or just read a book in a corner… The problem is, is that the people who have the downtime don’t use it.”
After doing homework, cooking dinner and dealing with bedtime, it’s likely to be after 9.00pm – if you’re lucky. Resist the urge to open the laptop and get back to the emails or finish off some project that’s imminent if you possibly can. Spend at least half an hour each evening doing something you actually enjoy. Watch Netflix, listen to a podcast, read a book, play darts. It doesn’t matter. You’ll be better off setting the alarm earlier the next morning than trying to play catch-up with work. Chances are, whatever it is can wait. Make some time for yourself.
03.
The rules also apply to you
“You have to be healthy to have a good team.”
All the stuff you bark at your kids about eating healthily, getting an early night and limiting screen time needs to be followed by you, too. And not just because you’ll look like a hypocrite if you don’t. Keep your standards high. You want your children to become their best selves, and the same should apply to you. Kids see more than you think they do.
Some other points of housekeeping: make it a high priority to eat meals together. Establish house rules and stick to them (pinning a list to the fridge isn’t a bad idea). Treat your kids with respect and authenticity, and that’s what you’re get in return.
04.
Let the glitter settle
“One way to stop or manage an escalation is to take a ‘Time Out’. It’s an opportunity to calm down, cool off and look for the emotions that might be underneath the anger. When I’m upset, it is my responsibility to remove myself from the situation.”
So many parenting books talk about a naughty step for children, but they’re a good device for parents, too. If you’ve lost it about Lego on the stairs or homework left undone, then find somewhere to sit for five minutes and regain your cool. It works.
The New York Times recently offered a spin on that idea, with specific regard to teenagers’ brains. (A freaking-out adolescent is among the most stressful and common tests of parenting.) Acknowledging that the comparison seemed trite – then proving why it was anything but – it likened the emotional chaos of an adolescent’s brain to a snow globe full of glitter. As the brain is getting rewired during the teenage years, the emotional distress is not unlike the swirling glitter in a snow globe.
The answer is to leave everything alone for a minute and let it settle. Don’t shout. Trying to empathise probably won’t work. Sitting together quietly until the moment’s passed may be the quickest (and easiest) route back to normality.
05.
Always have your partner’s back
“The single most predictive factor in happiness, longevity and physical and mental health is the existence and upkeep of at least one secure relationship.”
The relationships we most recommend keeping up is – of course – that with your partner. Remember to cherish them, but also to foster healthy friendships away from them. Going out and leaving your partner to watch crap telly or have a bath and stare into the middle-distance is easier done when you have lives away from each other, too. Backing each other up is good for your kids, and it’s good for you, too.
