Is it a bird, is it a plane, is it… We’re not sure, because this dad goes almost unseen. We know the drop-off can be a faff. After you’ve remembered it’s PE day, or World Book Day, and that overdue library book from two years ago, it’s a wonder you have time to remember the child. The flash is not a superhero, more a time-efficient mastermind. This dad tends to stay outside the school gates. A subtle wave or thumbs up is the only acknowledgement necessary. After that, he’s gone. Like a fart when a Tube train goes past. Never to be seen or heard from again.

Battle stations, people. This is not a false alarm. The drop-off can be a war zone. The noise, the onslaught of people, the crying. This dad is on top of that. Every move is strategically thought out to minimise complications. The child is well drilled, too. This dad tends not to be a first-timer and this process is a product of trial and error. No tears, no small talk, no man left behind. (Well, except the child.) For a teacher, the drill sergeant is a key asset. In not wanting to waste his own time, he ends up not wasting yours. It’s a win-win.

Known by everyone, loved by few, this dad walks with a certain swagger. He can come in two shapes. The first is perpetually in shorts, regardless of the weather, and the child has a “cool” name to match (think Ryder or Blaze). The other is slightly older, salt and pepper hair, but sharply dressed. They are the envy of most other dads, while the mums tend to swoon. This guy tends to help at most school events, which is lovely, but teaching staff know he’s doing it to inflate his own ego. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out he’s suddenly started helping now the divorce has been finalised.

Hapless, clumsy, but overall loving. The perfect example of a dad just trying to figure it out. These fathers tend to get all the way to the gate only to ask, “Where’s your…?” The thing is, this reflects onto the kid. The poor child is making 15 separate trips at pick-up time because Dad is trying to remember the list of items left. He knows that if the child comes back without every one, it’ll be a night in the doghouse for old pops. I do feel for him. It’s certainly not an easy thing. My advice: when this is still happening three children in, it’s time to start writing stuff down.

For the most part, kids don’t like school. I mean, why would you? So, getting the particularly tricky ones into school takes skill. Or sometimes it takes dirty, backhanded tactics. These dads will do anything not to have their day interrupted. Sweets are the obvious choice of bribery, but I have seen it escalate into bikes, game consoles and even holidays. They will make the deal others won’t. They may not always think of the consequences, but kids are stupid and sometimes you have to roll the dice and hope they simply forget.