How to win in the ultimate snow sport this winter.

There is a good chance it won’t snow in most parts of the UK this Christmas. Since the naturally uncooperative British climate has been hampered by climate change – season-appropriate weather has become a meaningless concept in these parts. Still, at least it gives us something to talk about.

Of course, elsewhere in the world – be it New York, Oslo or Helsinki – snow will be in abundance. And since we’re (probably) too old for snowmen and (maybe) sledging, and above writing our names in the snow, we thought we would deconstruct the age-old activity of hurling frozen water into the faces of friends, colleagues and loved ones – also known as the snowball fight. It’s a chance for everyone from snowier climes to remind themselves of how these things go down, and an opportunity for us Brits to live vicariously through you. Here is our analysis of the rules of the snowball fight, as decreed by the fount of knowledge that is Wikipedia.

There is crude formation of “teams”, usually two groups of opponents throwing at each other

While Brits love rules, especially in sports, the very concept of a snowball fight surely flies in the face of team-play like, well, an errant snowball. Any alliances forged in a snowball fight are as flaky as a snowflake, as it’s pretty much a free-for-all. And as for the worthy notions of not hitting an unarmed opponent or not launching a flurry of snowballs while someone’s back is turned, forget about it. Even if you’re not in the game – perhaps, especially if you’re not in the game – you’re fair game.

Those in a fight often do not behave malevolently; a target is usually not viciously assaulted by snowballs

While malevolence might not be the intention, sometimes our approach to snowballing can be not too dissimilar to the flirting techniques of six-year-olds (punching, hair-pulling, etc), ie, we tend to hurt the ones we love. And it’s worth remembering that attention in the form of a bombardment of snow can have a different interpretation from the one intended. One person’s “not viciously assaulted” is another’s “projectile of granite-hard ice flung point-blank in the face”, so go easy. That said, if you do go down, expect to be on the receiving end of a beating.

There is minimal physical contact, aside from perhaps wrestling

Given that while researching the rules we were casually directed to a page on the combat sport of wrestling (where we are advised on “take downs”, “throws” and “grappling”), we feel the suggestion of “minimal physical contact” here is compromised somewhat. We agree that it’s not the main aim of the game, but also want to stress that the biggest prize in any snowball fight is to successfully ram a fistful of snow inside the back of someone’s coat. So perhaps some grabbing and plunging is allowed, but pick your battles – your eight-year-old neice does not need to be the target.

In contrast to other forms of fighting, there is usually no intention of bodily harm

A snowball fight is a fight only in name – not in nature. However, there is inevitably always one pumped-up participant hell-bent on causing bodily harm. They will most likely be wearing gloves with some sort of rubber or nylon grip – perfectly suited to squeezing fistfuls of snow into deadly bullets of skin-cutting ice rather than fluffy balls of fresh snow. This, excuse the pun, is just not cool. Don’t be that guy. If you encounter such an overzealous competitor, draw a line in the snow, and give them a warning. If they continue: forget what we mentioned above, and take any action necessary to ensure the fight continues in a gentlemanly fashion.

Construction and use of snow forts is usually permitted

Not if we have anything to do with it. We are not here to make snow structures. We are here to make people feel mild discomfort with the weapon of melting ice. Under no circumstances must anyone be seen to make a “snow fort”. How would that even work, anyway? One lapse of concentration in a snowball fight can result in a heavy shelling from enemy lines. Seconds count. So if you plan to make architectural structures – you’ll be ears-deep in slush well before the foundations are in.