Perspiration-hiding shirts and sunglasses that don’t go MIA are some of our humbug-proofing remedies .

Summer can be a cruel temptress. The all-too-short season arrives fragrant with the promise of barbecues and beaches. In reality we spend most of it stuck in the office with our noses pressed up against the windows wishing we were at a music festival, or else stuck on mass transportation with our noses pressed up against a fellow commuter and… well, wishing we were anywhere else. 

We were spoilt as children. All those long holidays conditioned us to think that summer would always be ours to do with as we please. Still, do bear in mind that the rose tint of time has wiped all the rainy days and bee stings from your Super 8 memory reel. Moreover, few of the usual summer annoyances are insurmountable. With a little forethought, even the grumpiest Grinch can avoid getting too hot under the collar.

“Hot town, summer in the city. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty”, as Mr John Sebastian of The Lovin’ Spoonful complained back in 1966. You’d think that being a rock star in San Francisco during the Summer of Love and (allegedly) taking a prodigious quantity of mind-altering substances would have raised the man’s sights above such discomforts. But clearly, prickly heat transcends psychological state. No one likes an itchy nape and that’s nothing compared to the trauma that comes with removing your suit jacket to reveal the sort of perspiration patches that Mr Tom Wolfe dubbed “the saddlebags!” in his novel A Man in Full.

The solution: Never make the mistake of opting for a pastel colour shirt – especially French blue – under a suit, particularly if you are about to give a keynote/ best man’s speech. White is a lot more discreet. Also, linen: it’s like A/C in sartorial form, as long as you can outsource your ironing.

Here’s Mr Tom Ford, colossus of menswear, on the subject: “A man should never wear shorts in the city… Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or the beach.” Mr Ford slightly undermined that diktat by adding the caveat that Crocs are OK in the suburbs. Crocs! Here at MR PORTER we understand the caution but believe there is a time and a place for shorts. But not for Crocs. Not ever.

The solution: Shorts are rarely if ever appropriate for the office but at the weekend, sure. If in doubt, opt for a pair that are smart, knee-length, sober in colour and preferably worn with a belt.

An uneven suntan is all-too-easily acquired but not so easily remedied. In fact, it can result in “mission creep” as you contort yourself into weird positions on the lounger, tactically applying sun cream and turning yourself like a BBQ sausage in a vain effort to even it out. Particularly perilous for drivers is the chicken wing: the arm that gets gently barbecued through the open window while the other one pales in comparison.

The solution: An even tan is rarely achieved through sun-bed deliberation. Much better to apply a mid-strength suncream all over (SPF 30) and stay mildly active with games of beach tennis and pétanque to allow the sun to work its way around your movements naturally.

So you’ve made the decision to invest in a decent pair of shades, something a little classier than the emergency pair of “Roy-Bens” you bought for €5 outside a tourist trap. The problem is, sunglasses are just so goddam losable. Summer accessory flight is exacerbated by the 80 per cent reduction in pockets that comes from losing the winter coat and suit jacket, too.

The solution: What you need, sir, is a bum bag! Just kidding. What will come in handy, however, is a light summer satchel. Or you could buy some foldable Persol sunglasses to stash in your pocket. Or store your sunglasses in the V of a shirt with the top two buttons left open.

Italian men do summer well. You may have seen them on the street-style blogs shimmering around Florence and Milan on Vespas, their impeccably tailored trousers riding up their leg just-so to reveal a sockless ankle planted in a tasselled loafer. But don’t those beautiful Tod’s shoes begin to honk without the sweat- and odour-absorbing layer that is the sock? And isn’t it a terrible thing to inflict on such a handsome pair of shoes?

The solution: Secret socks – if you must. Yes, those socks that make it look as if you’re not wearing socks even though you are in fact wearing socks. (You’re fooling no one.) But really, if you’re going to expose your ankles, you may as well do it properly. Use a scrub to wash your feet thoroughly and then apply some moisture-absorbing talcum powder. Rather than wear hot and sticky leather lace-ups, go for driving shoes, boat shoes, espadrilles or canvas slip-ons that allow some air to circulate. Then give each pair at least a day’s rest between wears.

On your summer holiday, you will usually have to remove your shirt and reveal your torso in public. This realisation often means that summer entails the most frantic exercising of all – and yet the gym in summer is a stuffy and joyless place, while running in the heat means you will not cool down for approximately 90 minutes afterwards, rendering your post-exercise shower largely redundant.

The solution: Swim. Indoors if you must but preferably outdoors. Not only do swimmers have the most even musculature, they remain perfectly even of temperature and are handy in beachside emergencies.

Gadgetry is not designed for the searing heat. On a low level, reading a laptop screen from a sun lounger in full glare of sunlight is irritating for all concerned – not least the people who are trying to forget about work. On a more catastrophic level, there is leaping into the pool in an act of reckless spontaneity… only to find that your iPhone is still in your pocket. Then there are the more workaday issues of sand in charging ports; suncream smears on touchscreens; FitBit tan lines…

The solution: Pretty simple. Don’t turn the hotel pool into your alfresco office. Make your calls inside and then leave the little tyrant that is your smartphone there (in its smart leather case) so that you devote full attention to lounging. And unless you’re a DJ pretending to mix while actually playing a Spotify playlist, the presence of a laptop on a beach or by a pool indicates a clear failure to manage your work-life balance. Time to switch off.