“People and institutions often find it difficult to apologise sincerely because they fear being held accountable or liable, so may try to use language to mimic an apology,” Battistella says. Here, gaslighting often kicks in. “They may use conditionals as a form of verbal judo with phrases like ‘I apologise if anyone was offended’. They try to shift the burden to the audience. They might apologise for part of an offense, such as ‘inelegant wording’. And they might simply employ indirection, apologising for ‘what happened’ rather than naming the offense.”

“Avoid conditional language, minimising the issue, using a passive voice to dodge responsibility (‘mistakes were made’ or ‘I regret that it happened’), shifting blame, focusing on your own feelings rather than the impact on the other person, or using the apology as an opportunity to make excuses or justify your behaviour,” Babb says. “A successful apology is about sincerity, empathy and a commitment to change, not just about saying the right words. Understanding the hurt you have caused and genuinely wanting to make amends goes a long way in making an apology effective.”

Just maybe keep your interpretation of what happened to yourself. “Sometimes less is more,” Battistella says.

“The magnitude gap refers to the difference in perception between the transgressor (the person who committed the wrongdoing) and the victim regarding the seriousness of a wrongdoing,” Babb says. And it plays a crucial role in a the success of an apology, she adds. “Transgressors often underestimate the harm that they have caused, while victims may see it as more significant. This gap can lead to insincere or inadequate apologies if the transgressor does not fully grasp the impact of their actions.”

“Karina Schumann at the University of Waterloo in Ontario found that men apologise less often than women because men simply don’t feel their conduct was that bad,” Ingall says. “Men have a much higher threshold for what constitutes an apology-worthy offense. We’d argue that this is because men generally move through the world more comfortably than women do. And men, particularly men of a certain race and class, can be blithe about fairness and justice more easily, because as far as they’re concerned, the world is mostly fair and just. It’s helpful to understand that people have different experiences and their apologies (or lack thereof) reflect those differences.”

Addressing the magnitude gap “involves empathetic communication, active listening and a willingness to see the situation from the other person’s perspective,” Babb says. “By acknowledging and attempting to understand the full extent of the harm caused, a transgressor can offer a more sincere and effective apology, facilitating a path towards forgiveness and reconciliation.”

“The most important aspect of an apology is whatever is most important to the person you’re apologising to,” Ingall says. “Know your audience.”

“People often need time to process what they’ve done and how the other person might be feeling,” Ingall says. “The researcher Cynthia Frantz at Oberlin College in Ohio studies the timing of apologies. She found that apologies are more likely to be accepted if offered after the person has had a little time to reflect and vent, rather than immediately after the offense was committed.”

“To break the loop of repeated apologies for the same action, start by engaging in deep reflection to understand the underlying causes of your behaviour,” Babbs says. “Acknowledge the impact your actions have on others and yourself – and use this understanding as motivation to change. Set specific, achievable goals for the behaviour you want to change, and seek feedback from trusted individuals who can provide perspective and accountability.

“Developing new, healthier coping strategies is essential, especially if your behaviour is a response to stress, anger or other triggers. Also, practisce self-compassion and patience, as behavioural change is a gradual process. Learn from every mistake and view setbacks not as failures, but as opportunities to understand and further refine your strategies for change.”

“You need to show you are a different person – what the sociologist Erving Goffman called ‘splitting the self’ into a past blameworthy person and a new repentant one,” Battistella says.

Perhaps you think that you apologise too much – saying sorry for things that you didn’t even do. (Guilty!) “British sorries are often charming to those of us living in countries where the word isn’t used nearly often enough,” Ingall says. “In general, I tell people their natural speech patterns aren’t something to get exercised about, you know?”

So, don’t change. Other than the things above we’ve asked you to change, obviously. (Sorry.)