THE JOURNAL
Illustration by Mr Gaston Mendieta
I didn’t expect to meet someone who already had a child, but life works in mysterious ways. A few months into our relationship, I had an engagement even more nerve-wracking than our first date – I was meeting his 11-year-old daughter. Armed with an Oreo Ice Cream Sandwich, I knocked on the door. She immediately stepped forward to give me a hug and a bracelet she’d made. My heart melted. Later that evening, I was attempting a TikTok dance with her. The next day, it was time to meet the ex over fish-finger sandwiches. Nothing’s perfect, but their closeness as a family, even though they are separated, has reframed what I thought was possible. I’d assumed that separated parents meant icy stepmums (thanks, Disney), wars over holidays and eight-year-olds delivering stern messages to the other parent.
“As parents, we owe it to our kids not to fuck them up,” says the clinical psychotherapist Ms Jerilee Claydon. She explains that the key to successful co-parenting is to see the world through the child’s eyes. “The adults get so whipped up in their own narrative that they forget about the child’s version of events. You might hate their mum, but your child doesn’t.”
It’s not just about saving your child a future therapy bill. Ms Katie Davie, founder of Coparenting Peacefully, says it’s in everyone’s best interests to make it work. “Our kids will have stronger relationships with each of us because they don’t feel like they need to pick between two homes or two parents,” she says.
My partner, musician Mr Tom Atkin, has been co-parenting with his ex for the past decade. He says it’s worth getting on. They still share holidays and Christmases. “My daughter likes it when everyone is together,” he says. “You’ve got to prioritise the child in every situation. It does make my life easier, too, because you can communicate.”
Here’s how to break down some of the obstacles you might face and how you can evolve together to make things better for everyone.
01. Dealing with conflict starts with you
It is important to avoid saying negative things about the other parent in front of your child. “I’ve seen a dad take bullets,” Claydon says. “The mum had had an affair, but in family therapy, the little boy kept saying, ‘Why did you leave, Dad?’ and he just said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and never once told him about the affair. Take bullets for your child.”
Claydon recommends addressing conflict once you feel calm and grounded, to avoid WhatsApp and use email to arrange a phone call instead.
“Keep your side of the street clean,” Claydon adds. “It doesn’t matter what the other parent is doing.”
02. Create new boundaries
Boundaries are crucial, according to Davie, but setting them might cause a few bumps in the road. “The new boundary stage is where I see the most chaos happen,” she says. “You’re untangling yourself from your co-parent and learning not to depend on them emotionally.”
It is about the long game. The child will define the future of the relationship between parents. “Be kind, be consistent and be understanding when boundaries are crossed or forgotten about,” Davie says.
03. Integrate a new partner
“It’s actually been positive bringing someone in,” Atkin says. “I think I would have found it hard if my girlfriend wasn’t so understanding, but, in the end, everyone wants everyone to be happy.”
Being forthcoming and open with information is key to avoid putting the child in the middle or triggering difficult emotions. “Volunteer the information so they don’t have to ask,” Claydon says. “That’s a burden and the child becomes messenger. Dad needs to take responsibility. Mum needs to be involved in the introduction to ensure she feels respected.”
04. Manage emotions
“The beginning was harder because of the initial break-up stage and changing into a new dynamic,” Atkin says. “The first six months to a year were about adjusting to living separately and trying to have a bit of a routine as well.”
All the emotional fallout from a break-up may make this transition painful for both parties. Once again, keeping the child as the priority is essential, Claydon says. “A brief disruption of anger for you can be lifelong for the child because of their attachment style.”
Davie adds that you can take your time responding to things. “There’s power in the pause,” she says.
05. Respect has to be earned
Respect can take time after a separation. Davie offers a good starting point. “Show up on time, be flexible when you can, contribute the money ordered by the court or the money you’ve agreed upon with your co-parent and support your co-parent’s relationship with your kids,” she says.
From Atkin’s experience, it doesn’t happen overnight. “You have to put effort in and you have to work at it and calmly try to make things nice,” he says.
Co-parenting well takes time, so be kind to yourself and your co-parent. When it comes to contentious issues around money and custody, Claydon recommends seeking legal support.