The best thing about the holiday season? Gifts. The worst thing? Also gifts. Sure, it’s a thrill to give or receive the best present ever. But a bad present or even one that is just slightly not right can make us feel all sorts of unpleasant emotions that are not welcome at this time of year. So, can you return a bad gift? Or is that unspeakably rude? Let us debate.

If you give someone a gift, do you want them to like it? Obviously. (There are a few exceptions, mostly in the passive-aggressive category: a self-help book about meditation practices to help you drink less; an “encouraging” gift card for a personal training session. One Mother’s Day, my father got my mum scissors so she wouldn’t borrow his and forget to return them. They’re divorced now.)

So, if you give someone a gift and they don’t like it, shouldn’t they be able to return it and get something that they actually want?

It has come to my attention that most people believe you should never return a gift because it’s rude. Which means it’s also come to my attention that most people are selfish and wrong.

A gift is about the recipient. It is meant to delight. Sometimes, it fills a need. A gift is not about the gifter. If you receive secondhand joy when you’ve gotten someone the perfect thing, that is fine. If you are insulted when someone does not like what you bought them, grow up. You’d rather give someone something they’ll never use? Or, worse, only uses in your presence, because you’re such a little baby that they have to patronise you by pretending they love the embossed silver picture frame that you got them?

When you give someone a gift, there’s an inherent risk of it not being something the person would have chosen. Famously, people even return things they bought for themselves. This is why you must always put the gift receipt in the bag. You can even say, “I had such a hard time choosing between this and another thing in the store, so you might want to go and see if there’s anything you like better.” Or, simply, “You can return it if you don’t like it.” I recently gifted a beautiful handmade cabbage-shaped ceramic tureen from Portugal to friends who were getting married. Included in the box was a gift receipt, in case they hated it, which seemed equally if not more likely than them loving it. Pretend every present you’re buying is a ceramic cabbage.

This is not easy to admit, but I become so angry that I get physically hot when a gift I don’t want is foisted on me with no way to exchange it. “Don’t you know me at all?” I think, looking at the stranger before me, who thinks I like citrus-scented lotion and obviously doesn’t give a fuck that I prefer geranium. Equally enraging is that my husband refuses to return any gifts, and will just put a T-shirt or sweater that isn’t quite right in the drawer, insisting he loves it and will wear it all the time. The unwanted item sinks lower and lower in the pile until it hits the bottom and I eventually donate it a year later. He could have exchanged it for something he actually liked. Then I wouldn’t have wasted my money, like an idiot.

Caveat: you must accept and performatively cherish gifts from children, family heirlooms, and homemade items. No “Is there any way to make this short-sleeved?” or “Could I actually have grandma’s other necklace?”

Otherwise, feel free to return anything. You deserve to have something that you actually want, and you don’t need to feel guilty about that. Even if you are kind of an asshole.

It’s not that I think returning a gift is rude. It’s that I think it’s utterly horrible, insensitive, deplorable and wrong. Have I put too fine a point on that? Maybe, but I stand firm: it is not OK to return a gift.

No matter what the gift is, the only thing that matters to me is the thought and effort that has gone into the purchasing of said gift. I can’t help but visualise them thinking about it, perhaps even labouring over the decision, spending their precious time considering me and my wants and needs. Maybe they travelled to a store and stood in front of 50 ties for 50 minutes, wondering which I would love the most. Perhaps they spent hours googling “cufflinks”, reading gift guides and blog posts, navigating computer crashes and Wi-Fi nightmares, all in the quest to buy me a gift I would love. They probably worried about getting it right and asked my wife (who is currently writing this for me) for her advice. (She’s a nightmare to deal with, so this is no small thing.)

Then I think about the cost. This person very likely worked hard for their money and then decided to spend it on me? That’s not a small thing, though, in this consumption-based world, it’s surely something we tend to forget during the holiday season.

It’s hard to buy the right gift for someone and I deeply appreciate the effort that goes into buying something for me. For that reason, I gracefully accept whatever is given and treasure it. It’s important to acknowledge when someone has focused on us. The least we can do is allow them to feel like they have made a difference in your life.

That said, if I bought you something you don’t like, please feel free to return or exchange it.

As told to his wife, Ms Lili Göksenin