How to behave at the wellness retreat – and what to do with the paper pants.

It is nothing short of ironic that, for the uninitiated, a day at the spa can feel a lot like doing time in a space-age correctional facility. From medispa to wellness retreat, the modern spa has outgrown its fluffy white robe and morphed into an entirely different and really rather intimidating beast. And with that metamorphosis have come more problems.

For starters there is the increasingly indecipherable treatment menu. Seven-handed, cross-friction massage? Horse reiki? A seaweed bath with flesh-eating fish? And then, of course, there is the issue of etiquette. When should one remove one’s pants? Is it OK to talk mid-treatment? And, most importantly, do I really need to put my phone on silent?

To relieve you of any “spanxiety”, we’ve unpacked the five rules of good spa-ing.

There’s a good chance your other half will have persuaded you to go to a spa. They may have booked you in for a series of “journeys”, including a double massage, a double facial and, if you’re really unlucky, a double colonic performed in a customised loveseat. After your treatment, you will be lead to a communal relaxation area, and the temptation to talk through the awkwardness of what has just happened will be overwhelming. Save it for later. The first rule of good spa-ing is this: if you must speak, communicate in a stage whisper at all times. Other people will be zoning out in treatment rooms and they don’t need to know about your weak peristalsis.

No amount of preparation will ease the trauma of being presented with tiny paper briefs for the first time. According to spa owners, the garment is designed to protect a client’s modesty, but, in reality, it robs men of their dignity and will loosely cradle just one lonely testicle at a time. After 15 years in the business, I can safely say that paper pants are an inside joke, and, I presume, the source of much staff-room cackling.

In cases such as these, you are advised to ask the massage therapist (in your stage whisper, naturally) whether it is okay to simply go without. A good therapist will know how to fold a towel so that you’re fully covered or, at the very least, let you keep your boxers on.

Over the years, I have amassed an encyclopaedic knowledge of different treatments. I have been flogged with twigs in a Russian banya, submerged in Iceland’s geothermal lagoons and pummelled to within an inch of my life by Mustafa, a very large and very senior therapist at a Turkish bath on the outskirts of Istanbul.

While the benefits of these experiences are doubtless, they speak to a basic tenet of “destination spa-ing”: always go native. In the same way you’re accustomed to eating and drinking like the locals, so too should you sample the various treatments, customs and therapies a country has to offer. Don’t be the person that subsists on the spa equivalent of Starbucks… but do do due diligence before booking a treatment.

Granted, if you spa in the UK or the US, it is unlikely that you will ever be fully undressed in public. But should you venture to mainland Europe – to Germany or Austria, in particular – clothing is completely verboten. The masses move from laconium to steam room to jumbo-sized Jacuzzi wearing little more than a pair of slides and a smile. Entire families do this together.

The sight of this much flesh can be unsettling, but, given that you’re the odd one out, you have no choice but to abandon your Orlebar Browns and join the party. Be warned that these spas are also (very) social spaces, and there’s a good chance you’ll be forced to practise your GCSE German while starkers and light headed in an 80ºC sauna. Wunderbar!

The very latest spas are more about sobriety and spiritual wellbeing than something as pedestrian as a deep-tissue massage. Many of them are essentially soft rehab facilities, albeit with nicer furnishings and fewer security guards. There are the infamous Mayr and Buchinger “clinics”, both of which champion therapeutic fasting. There is SHA in Spain, which offers stress relief packages for the corporate slave, and Kamalaya in Koh Samui, Thiland, which prides itself on holistic detox programmes. The latter advertises itself to people who are “going through difficult times, looking for a life purpose or want to address their emotional wellbeing”.

The modern spa experience could very well be a life-changing experience, provided you’re willing to use your holiday time for abstinence and mindfulness rather than indulgence and reckless behaviour. After all, you might as well have a breakdown in a beautiful setting.

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