The unexpected occurrences to expect tonight at London’s O2 Arena during the 2018 ceremony.

It is late February and awards season is staggering blearily to a close. In Hollywood, poor, exhausted actors and directors are limping towards the climactic Oscars. Behind them, weeks of luncheons, galas and other, lesser gong-giving ceremonies at which they’ve pressed the flesh, thanked their agents and secretly agonised over off-the-cuff thank-you speeches.

In the music world, meanwhile, all eyes are on the coming week’s Brit Awards. While the Grammys in the US have the augustness, they also have the boredom of an event that’s dry in both senses and lasts for, like, a million hours.

So, the Brits it is, and they’re compulsory viewing, even if you’re not Mr Ed Sheeran’s nan. Why? Because it has a hefty primetime slot on ITV. Because the venue, Greenwich’s cavernous O2, will be awash with hot-and-cold running celebs and wall-to-wall free champagne. Because it is broadcast live.

An evening of wildly unpredictable entertainment, then. And yet… within that unpredictability, certain things are no-brainers. Because if there’s one thing rock ’n’ roll knows how to do, it’s repeat itself.

Presenting, then, MR PORTER’S Brit Awards Bingo: sit back in your armchair and tick off one-by-one a bunch of things that will occur, definitely maybe…

Mr Liam Gallagher will have a “spat” with someone

Probably Mr Robbie Williams, as the Comeback Kid seeks a rematch following the Take That man’s words as he collected his British British Single Award in 2000: “So, would anybody like to see me fight Liam? Liam, a hundred grand of your money, a hundred grand of my money. We’ll get in a ring and we’ll have a fight and you can all watch it on TV, what d’you think about that?” Mr Gallagher, riding high at last with his first solo album, is a man who knows better than most that revenge is a dish best served cold. Then dumped over The Robster’s head.

A member of an indie band will wear a suit for the first time

Looking like he’s been dressed by his mum, and/or he’s having his day in court. British Group nominees Wolf Alice, we’re looking at you. An extra bingo point if it’s tattooed fashion-forward bass player Mr Theo Ellis.

ITV switchboards will “light up” at some inappropriate language

The likeliest candidate: an American rapper. Matrons up and down the land – and Daily Mail columnists – are still clutching their pearls after Mr Kanye West’s 2015 performance of “All Day”, which involved multiple uses of the N-word. Second likeliest candidate: Adele. “I thought you were all fahkin’ bored of me,” said the sweary monkey in 2016, resulting in 66 complaints to fahkin’ Ofcom.

A performance won’t quite go to plan.

Someone will fall offstage. See: one of Ms Katy Perry’s dancers last year (well, he was dressed as a house). Or have a calamitous wardrobe malfunction. See: Madonna, dragged to the floor in 2015 by a pesky fastening on her Armani cape. Or someone will make a supposedly “edgy” acceptance that will have you eating your sofa in embarrassment. See: Arctic Monkeys’ Mr Alex Turner in 2014, when he dropped the microphone – deliberately, and requested an invoice. Who knew fastidiousness was so punk rock, eh?

A Spice Girl will do something, somewhere, at some time

Well, they are on the reunion trail (again) (again), and the Brits is nothing if not a PR opportunity. We’re betting on a strategic outing for That Dress, as worn by Ginger Spice in 1997. (The Union Jack one. You knew that.)

One of the live “turns” will earn grudging respect from the nation’s living room

Your dad: “That Dua Lipa girl – she can actually sing, can’t she?” Your mum: “Ooh, that hairy man from that American band – Dave Growl is it? He’s got a nice smile, hasn’t he?”