Bare white walls, perfectly ironed sheets and minimal decor are the foundations of this guy’s space. The aim is edgy, but it ends up slightly eery, with a definite air of Patrick Bateman about the place. The only thing on the wall is one obnoxiously bland print of a crumpled-up piece of paper, which he claims is a profoundly insightful commentary of life, that he bought at an overpriced gallery. But his stripped-back aesthetic comes off as cold and heartless. His wardrobes and drawers are simultaneously impressively organised and unsettling. Everything is colour coded, in alphabetical order and folded to precise perfection. (Then there’s the secret “batcave”, where he stores his face masks.) This neat freak is reluctant to bring just anyone back to his sanctuary. But for those who do get to experience it, life is never quite the same afterwards.

He’s growing fungus in ancient mugs, with damp towels and used instant noodle containers stashed under his bed. Heaps of laundry are strewn everywhere, entangled with all sorts. Wading your way across this biohazard will likely result in you stepping on a) a plug or b) a plate. While this seemed like the norm when he was a student, since graduating, his peers have discovered hygiene standards. If he’s to have any chance of bringing someone back to his room, he needs to invest in a cleaner. Or a fumigator. Unfortunately, this guy would rather spend his cash in upgrading his gaming gear. His PS5, multiple-screen monitors, £500 gaming chair and top-of-the-range haptic suit are his real pride and joy. Who cares about a tidy bedroom when you can literally be transported away from here, to the most beautiful wonders of the world via a VR headset? We guess that’s one way to leave the room.

“Knock-knock.” Who’s there? “When where.” When where who? “Tomorrow night, my place, you.” Rather than a rattle at the door, his chat-up line should’ve had alarm bells ringing. Yet here you are, back at his seriously well-appointed pad. And if you think that this place is mega, just check out how seriously he takes his grooming. His legs are as smooth as a dolphin and his teeth literally glow. His scented candle collection really is something, possibly a fire hazard given his satin bedsheets, silk robes and the dense fog of hairspray. A combination of his outrageously alpha confidence (arrogance), persuasive preamble and overpowering aftershave somehow result in a pretty high success rate. He knows all the right moves, Just make sure you know your exits.

When we say we admire someone’s wardrobe, we usually mean their clothes. But in this case, we’re referring to the item of furniture as well. Everything is carefully curated, from the fluffy pillows and intriguing objets to the mohair throws. This picture-perfect bedroom is itself a work of art. And therein lies the problem. In reality, this whole room is a disguise for an acute lack of personality. Living an existence where everything is outsourced – instead of an inner life, you should be asking about his interior designer – this space provides no insight into who this guy actually is. So yes, this is too good to be true. Because while you might be able to enjoy his open-cell memory-foam technology mattress, his conversation – or lack of – won’t be enough to keep you under his Egyptian cotton bedsheets for long.