A list is the easy way out for both parties. For the giver, there’s basically no way to get it wrong. For the receiver, you know you’ll get what you want, not some piece of garbage you’ll never use or wear.

But why do you need everything to be so easy? You’re a grown man, surely you can spend a little time thinking about gifts for your loved ones. Have you ever watched a movie where someone’s had an emotional reaction to a gift that they explicitly requested? No. When gift-giving moments are given airtime, there’s always an element of surprise.

Here’s a deep cut: remember in the first season of Friends when Ross gets Rachel a brooch for her birthday? (We know you don’t, but play along.) The story is that they were walking down the street “months ago” and she sees the brooch in the window and remarks that her grandmother had a similar one. Because – spoiler alert – Ross loves Rachel, he takes note and later goes back and buys the pin for her. The surprise is so great that Rachel goes all the way to the airport to tell her she loves him, too. Could a present you asked for get you to go all the way to the airport? In this economy? No. It has to be a surprise.

And the reason for this is simple. A gift not asked for is one that you’ve really had to think about. And thinking about someone is almost as good as the gift itself (it’s the thought that counts, after all). People like to know that they matter to you, that they take up enough space in your brain that you reserve time in your diary for “BUY THEM SOMETHING”.

So, come on. This season, don’t ask what they want. Don’t fish for hints. Don’t hit up your mum, or their mum, for ideas. Think back to that time you were walking down the street and they made some little remark about something small. That small thing might just be the best gift that they ever get. And take it from a champion gift giver: there’s no better feeling than the smugness that comes from giving a good gift. If that’s not a reason to try, then what is?