THE JOURNAL
There are two types of people in this world: those who can wear white without spilling stuff on themselves and those who wear their breakfast on their sleeve. If, like me, you are the latter, someone who puts on a pair of white jeans and immediately sits on chewing gum, the kind of person who chooses to wear white on a rainy day and ends up with mud splatters up their calves, a sweet idiot who proudly wears head-to-toe white, then orders spaghetti bolognese… You know what? You get it. We’re slobs, the lot of us.
But there are the others. People who look striking and elegant in cream linen blazers and trousers. People of class and obvious intelligence whose sneakers still look box-fresh six months post-purchase and whose accessories are sunglasses and hats, not random blobs of ketchup on their lapels or shirt sleeves. You may think you can never be one of those people. As a woman who didn’t even wear white to her own wedding, I know what it means to give up on having nice things. But, friends, we can be better. We can wear white without publicly shaming ourselves. Not because we won’t spill anything – that’s a given – but because wearing white is all about how you put the outfit together and the tools and accessories you bring along for emergencies. Also, sheer chutzpah. Here’s how to get white right.
01.
Know your limits
WikiHow hilariously suggests the following tips to avoid spilling your drink (I’ve chosen my favourites): a) walk slowly, b) don’t hold a beverage on an empty stomach, c) know your limits. The last one, in particular, is good advice. Don’t be a hero and try to carry four glasses of red wine from the bar to your friends. Slow and steady wins the white-clothing race.
02.
Come prepared
Every man should have a stain remover pen in his style toolbox (or canvas tote). Stain remover pens are an absolute necessity and, by some chemical wizardry, always (caveat: not always) seem to work.
If you’re caught without a pen when a sauce splash strikes, grab salt from the table, a clean napkin and cold water. Season your stain, then dab it with the moistened cloth (by all means, retreat to a bathroom to do this). Don’t rub. Don’t panic. Don’t draw attention to the wet spot when you re-emerge. Keep smiling and please put your napkin on your lap next time.
03.
Bring back-up
A consummate spiller knows to bring camouflaging reinforcements. A contrasting sweater tied insouciantly around your waist will hide grass stains. An artfully positioned belt bag can obscure a coffee drip.
Lightweight linen scarves are dashing, Italianate stain shrouds. And you can add a smidgen of Americana to a backyard barbecue with a bandana knotted round the neck, which will also obscure hot dog-related accidents. The lesson here is to have extra layers on hand for mustard’s little surprises.
04.
Stand tall
One trick that I like to employ when wearing white is to never sit down. Don’t sit on your commute. Don’t perch at a garden party. Don’t flop down on a park bench or the side of a fountain or, above all, the ground. Don’t go on a carousel. Don’t ride a horse. Never bring your derrière anywhere near a solid object that you haven’t wiped clean first. Added benefit: no wrinkles.
If you must sit, for the love of God bring a towel to perch on. Frescobol Carioca’s beachy range includes graphic options (think of the points you’ll get for sitting on something as stylish as your outfit) that will protect your seat and also look very cool.
05.
Take a risk
A man who wears white trousers, formal or casual, is telling the world that he’s confident in his own abilities not to make a mess of himself, and that confidence is like a glowing aura that makes you seem like a winner even if you’re scrambling. Wearing white, cream, ivory, whatever you want to call it, is a flex.
Two final notes. Trousers should have a little room, whether you’re wearing denim or more formal attire. Do not follow the lead of reality-TV stars and influencers who opt for bright white jeggings. And T-shirts should be ironed (yes, we know) – it really makes a difference.
Stay safe out there.