THE JOURNAL
Illustration by Mr Jori Bolton
What does it mean, in 2019, for a man to look after himself? Booking yourself in for a haircut every six weeks, drinking the occasional green juice and hoping for the best simply doesn’t cut it any more.
We’re in a world where cryotherapy and vampire facials are no longer the preserve of nutty celebrities – because the celebrities have moved on. The singer Grimes’s approach to her health (at least according to a viral “training regime” she posted to Instagram over summer as part of an adidas campaign) consists of blue-light-combatting eyeball surgery, screaming sessions with someone called Hana, and sessions in a deprivation tank to astro-glide to other dimensions. Whether she is a harbinger of what’s – terrifyingly – to come remains to be seen, but it is certainly true that, while we can’t all receive treatments to “maximize the function of our mitochondria”, we are going to further lengths than ever before to look and feel our best.
Because I’m MR PORTER’s in-house grooming guinea pig (not my official job title – yet), I tried some of the most adventurous grooming and wellness treatments I could find. From sound baths in luxury penthouses to being rendered poreless by a pioneering skin clinic, maybe this is what my skin has been begging for, the training regime I’ve been astro-gliding towards, if you will, all along.
The Anti-Pollution Cocoon
What is it?
Facials are usually predictable affairs that happen in predictable environs. Not so with Natura Bissé, the pioneering Barcelona-based skincare brand, which offers an anti-pollution facial inside one of its Bubble Pure Air inventions. If that sounds weird, well, it is. A giant inflatable white globe, the bubble contains 99.9 per cent “pure air” and is said to optimise treatments and transport you to a higher state of relaxation. It even takes it to the Oscars to lend celebrities a healthful glow and give them treatments before the ceremony.
Our verdict:
No more relaxing than a standard spa room, the air in the bubble genuinely did feel clean, and my skin definitely glowed and continued to improve the following day. After a few trips on the Central Line, however, my celestial aura diminished somewhat, but if you’ve an event coming up and want to look fresh, this is just the ticket.
The Spiritual Sound Bath
What is it?
An aural experience of truly transcendent proportions that takes place in the hedonistically eccentric space of The Mandrake hotel in London. Ms Josie Ross, a healer and reiki master, works with crystal bowls and tuning forks, chanting and burning Palo Santo wood to perform. Her “sound healing” claims to harmonise the mind and body to guide you into a state of deep relaxation.
Our verdict:
This experience requires a certain degree of openness and it's best if you leave your cynicism at the door. I left feeling overwhelmingly positive and, dare I say it, more connected with myself. Ride the astral plane!
The Poreless Wonder
What is it?
Dr Joney De Souza’s clinic in Marylebone superficially needles Botox into the pores to make them as small as possible. This is done by analysing the skin (be prepared for unflattering close-ups of your monstrously huge pores) and cleaning everything out with a Q switch laser beam that stimulates collagen and elastin and constricts pores. A mixture of Botox, vitamins and peptides is then rapidly needled into the skin around your forehead, nose and cheeks. It takes less than an hour and lasts about three months.
Our verdict:
The procedure is slightly uncomfortable (the laser prickles and the needle scratches), but I found this satisfying because it felt as though it was working. I left looking a little sunburnt, but the redness cleared up within a couple of hours. My skin is not freakishly poreless, but my T-zone, once an oily war zone whose texture slightly resembled orange peel, is markedly smoother. I am, in other words, as ready for my close-up as I’ll ever be.
The Vinotherapy
What is it?
A bath, filled with wine. Really. Sangiovenese, merlot and ciegiiolo are poured (with some hot water, corn flower, and rose petals) into a huge stone basin at Ella di Rocco in Chelsea, the UK’s first wine spa, which derives all its treatments to the illuminating and rejuvenating powers of the grape. Commonplace in the wine regions of Italy, it’s said to be an antioxidant marvel for the body. There is a “Do not drink your bathwater” sign on the wall to deter thirsty bathers, but mercifully a glass of wine (of markedly better quality than the one that fills the bath) is served with the treatment.
Our verdict:
Considering spa treatments often take a counterintuitive grit-your-teeth-and-relax-at-all-costs approach, this was great fun. Soaking in a bath of wine in the Royal Borough is a great way to spend the afternoon as any, and I left feeling warm and tipsy with some great content for Instagram.
The Glutathione Drip
What is it?
Glutathione (also known as GSH) is a naturally occurring antioxidant in the body that prevents cellular damage from free radicals. Boosting it is a way to anti-age yourself from the inside out. Taking it orally has no effect, however, so the 111Skin clinic on Harley Street has designed an IV drip that combines it with NAC – an ingredient used in hospitals to replenish and rejuvenate the body after it has been exposed to certain chemicals – to activate it and supercharge your body’s system. In other words, the closest thing to the fountain of youth you’ll find on the open market.
Our verdict:
Going to be pumped full of chemicals on my lunch break wasn’t something I was particularly looking forward to, but the whole thing was virtually painless and honestly, the effects were worth it. I had more energy for days afterwards (a common side effect) and the blotchiness on my cheeks all but cleared up, leaving me with that lit-from-within glutathione glow I’d heard about. It’s an expensive habit to keep up, but certainly one that works.
Illustration by Mr Jori Bolton