Panicked about presents? Here’s our foolproof guide to gifting for your favourite female this holiday season.

There is the cliche of the man hurtling around horribly crowded stores on Christmas Eve, panic-buying all sorts of unsuitable gifts at great expense because he has a) left it to the last minute; and b) not got a clear idea of what his girlfriend/wife/life partner actually wants. You don’t want to be that guy. Here’s how not to be that guy.

Listen out for helpful hints as to what she’s after. Tell-tale phrases include “I really need…” or “What do you think of…?” or “Please can you buy me this for Christmas?” If you have singularly failed to pick up on any of these subtle signals, then phone a friend. Her best friend, preferably. Ask her what your beloved would love to wake up to on Christmas morning – apart from your good self. Write down everything she says and then type the key words into the search box of NET‑A‑PORTER.com.

Quick test: can you rattle off your partner’s sizes in shoes, dress, jeans and bra? No? Well it’s time to rifle through her drawers next time she is out. Not in a pervy way, it’s just a fact-finding exercise. Commit these numbers to memory, or more likely, save them in your phone under the clever codename “Sizes”. Similarly, you can find out what make-up she likes and what perfume she is running low on by snooping around her bathroom. You can also figure out what type of jewellery she wears (chunky or delicate; silver or gold). Take pictures on your phone. (Put those knickers back.)

Steer clear of buying lingerie unless you are 100 per cent sure you know what she likes in terms of style, colour, support and size. It could come across as sleazy (let’s face it, it probably is). And whatever you do, don’t be practical. Sure, your kitchen might desperately need a new set of saucepans, but if you try and give her this as a Christmas present, expect to have one swung violently at your head.

Here are some things that are never wrong:

Christian Louboutin heels

A Mulberry handbag

A Tiffany bracelet

A Diptyque scented candle

A cashmere sweater

And if you’re totally clueless and really have left things to the last minute, resist the urge to join the thousands just like you in the dystopian nightmare that is the high street. Get her a NET‑A‑PORTER gift card instead.