What to wear far from the fields of Worthy Farm this weekend – including suede shoes, white jeans, and a linen cardigan .

Are Mudhoney playing at Worthy Farm this year? How about Sister Sludge or Ooze-y Osbourne? They’d make a far more apposite triple-bill than Muse, Adele and Coldplay, as the good old British elements once again conspire to turn conditions at Glastonbury – or, as its denizens must surely by now be thinking of it, Glaston-buried alive – into a quagmire reminiscent of the Somme. We don’t want to appear smug, honest – we’re sure the Dunkirk spirit will prevail, even as entire tent cities are sucked into the slush – but we’ve put together a trio of terra firma-friendly outfits that sit at the other end of the style spectrum from the festival’s ravaged wellies and sodden cagoules. Call it the anti-Glasto edit, or the “I may not be seeing Adele, but at least I’m not rolling in the deep” selection…

Suede would be wise to give Glastonbury a wide berth this year, and we don’t just mean Mr Brett Anderson and company. Try pulling on these rich brown “Declan” boots from Grenson for a spell in the mush, sorry, mosh pit, and they’ll be in ruins before you can say “trench-foot.” Wear them out for a civilised brunch instead – you might want to savour a Mississippi mud pie for pudding – and add a pair of pristine white jeans to accentuate your “I don’t think we’re in Somerset today” smarts.

When you think of the body armour required to combat Glastonbury’s biblical tempests, the words “soft” and “tailoring” probably aren’t the first to spring to mind. That’s why sporting this fine-wale cotton corduroy button-down shirt from Richard James will not get you easily confused with someone about to brave a meteorological maelstrom to get to Dungeon Meat’s DJ set at NYC Downlow; likewise, a refined linen cardigan like KAPITAL’s is a sure sign that you’re above and beyond the Field of Avalon fray.

Givenchy’s patchwork denim jacket is not only a stylish, modern take on utilitarian style, its roomy patch pockets can also hold a host of reminders as to why skipping Glastonbury this year was a sound idea, from a smartphone issuing doomsday weather alerts (“14.28pm: storm surge starts to breach Pyramid Stage sandbags”) to the credit card you would have maxed out in hiring a helicopter to winch you from the morass. Pair with The Elder Statesman’s tie-dye T-shirt to show that you’re spiritually – if not physically – in solidarity with the huddled masses.