We all know that rules were made to be broken (eye-roll) but what should we do with clichés? Describing something that is overused and often lacking original thought, clichés are the anthesis of one’s own “personal brand” and what, in 2019, we are all supposed to care so much about.

Fashion and clothing is an integral part of this individual idea of branding, but style tribes appear whether they like it or not. In our heads we’re all unique, but, to others… not so much. #Sorrynotsorry.

In the age of TOM FORD’s F****** Fabulous fragrance, contemporary fashionistos can now, rightly, be relabelled as what I’ve dubbed “fashion wankers”. It’s a moniker for the confident, humorous, creative and damn right cool. It’s a good thing! Own it. But, down to business: which one are you?

He’s achingly cool, but that could be the lack of a balanced diet. The Parisian X-Ray will be forever skinny thanks to his penchant for ciggies and alcohol, but just don’t ask him to look happy about it. This guy is as stimulating and dark as a double espresso. Black leather jacket, wide fedoras and skinny scarves hang off this walking rock ’n’ roll hanger. He’s with the band, or so he’d like you to think, and always slips on his default black skinny jeans faster than you can say “Hedi Slimane street casting”.

The great cities of Northern Britain are dotted with proud pockets of passionate menswear lovers who position themselves above the frivolities of fashion, but can spend hours analysing and dissecting the details. These are the connoisseurs of casualwear with a collector’s archive of outerwear. Stone Island, anybody?

Authenticity is the name of the game with “Made In Britain” rating high. Duffel coats, bucket hats and crepe-soled shoes complete this geezer’s studious “threads”.

Hello, bello! Looking peachy, this Mr Timothée Chalamet wannabe is a polysexual who doesn’t like to commit, while wafting around in silk shirts and primary-coloured loose tailoring; he isn’t afraid of a floral or two. The Floppy-Haired Romantic is a modern-day Lord Byron with the matching contemporary fan club and moves like Jagger.

The king of silica sachets, sportswear is a lifestyle choice for The Sneaker Geek. With boxes piled as high as his bedroom ceiling, his addiction to plastic and glue shows little sign of waning even though he is well past his teenage years. No eye contact, he lets his feet do the talking, the rest of his look is collection of oversized hoodies, cross-body bags and socks over trousers to reveal the latest, most hyped purchase. Nike was his gateway drug, but he’s become more selective with his recent additions. Just don’t expect to see him run anywhere.

Somebody who actually wants Acne (Studios), The Minimalist is a Scandi obsessive of tundra proportions. Others may think it’s safe, but he sees nothing outside his visual vacuum. He’s developed a phobia of Gucci maximalism and when not looking for vintage Helmut Lang or Jil Sander, or the perfect white T-shirt – he has 50, FYI – you’ll find him leafing through a pretentious design mag or staring at a Carl Andre pieces. To him, off-white is just a colour in his uniform of beanie hat, oversized navy coat and Chelsea boots. Timeless.

Fashion Wankers (Ammonite Press) by Mr Marcus Jaye is out now