To avoid disappointment on 14 February, we’re launching a pre-emptive strike on our stock room. Go on – show yourself some love.

The legendary saloonkeeper, Mr “Toots” Shor, once dismissed New Year’s Eve as “amateur night”. Many of us at MR PORTER feel the same way about Valentine’s Day. We would prefer to let modern-day Abélards and Héloïses (or Sonnys & Chers) have it all to themselves. Let them pay the upcharge which florists, restaurateurs and other highwaymen demand on 14 February. Our passionate side is more likely to appear on a quiet night beneath quiet stars (see what we did there, Samba fans?). We are also great believers that in a healthy romantic relationship (even if that relationship is with one’s self), it is permissible and preferable to shop for one’s own present. This cuts back on returns, and fewer returns make the guys in finance happy. And happy finance guys are a good thing.

So instead of waiting for a chocolate teddy bear from some third-tier confectioner to appear on our desk this Valentine’s Day, we’re buying ourselves something we really want. And you should too. If you’re looking for inspiration, have a look at what some of the most well-adjusted team members will be giving themselves.

Most of the time I have a fairly-passive aggressive relationship with myself, so this Valentine’s Day I’ll be self-gifting some items to help lighten the mood. First up is a wireless speaker from Bang & Olufsen (with which to listen to sappy songs). Then I’ll light this cedar candle from Land by Land. And then give myself this Saint Laurent sweater. A sort of mohair hug, if you will. All in all that should be enough to bring a tear to my eye… “I really am so thoughtful,” I’ll think, as Ms Toni Braxton wails on in the background.

This Armand Diradourian blanket is the ultimate replacement for the beau in your life. If they’re away (or you simply don’t have anyone) wrap yourself up in this. Although they can very easily bring on the grandad comments – these particular slippers from Bottega Veneta are as chic as they are comfy, so will go well with my blanket. And while I’m wrapped up in my cashmere, I’ll need a good book – which is where The Stones come in.

It seems less self-indulgent to pick one of Mr Massimo Alba’s garment-dyed, blue cashmere sweaters – only because the green one I already own has a habit of mysteriously migrating to my wife’s closet. Signor Alba’s knitwear feels as comfortable as a sweatshirt, but you look as if your G-5 is idling at Teterboro [airport]. This mogul-at-the-mall look could use a pair of visvim slim-fit cotton trousers and a pair of Jack Purcell’s. The sneakers, now a menswear classic, were initially designed for Mr Purcell’s sport of choice, ie, badminton, and one never knows when an errant shuttlecock may come your way. So I like to be prepared.

Valentine’s Day gifts tend to favour the old clichés: flowers, chocolates, perfumes and so on. Which just seems a little… lazy. Surely, a romantic gift should be one that shows that you understand somebody? A quick primer, then, on my own tastes and interests: creative type, writes a bit, doodles a lot, likes quirky things in bright colours. And thus do we arrive at my perfect Valentine’s Day gift: this beautiful notepad from Elam Books. Isn’t it nice? It seems almost wrong to sully it with pencil marks. But I’ll probably have to; otherwise you’ll think I’m ungrateful. So please buy me some pencils, too. And somewhere to put them.

Scientists have discovered connections between pleasant smells and the recall of pleasurable memories stored in the brain’s hippocampus, so if you want to be remembered fondly, find a signature scent. Mine is Floris No. 89 – a masculine scent of cedarwood and vetiver. I prefer the eau de toilette to the aftershave – it is less concentrated but this means you use more and so I need to replenish my supply. Experts suggest applying fragrance to your pulse points – behind the ear and on the wrist. If you do so, you’ll find your leather watchstrap and your cashmere scarf both retain a familiar smell.

This gargantuan tome covering 75 years of Marvel comics is not only big enough to keep me occupied while I sit out the whole hellish pageantry of Valentine’s Day, but also so vast you’d need to be the Incredible Hulk to pick it up in a hurry. (Some have suggested that it is precisely these sort of arrested adolescent insights that result in my spending Valentine’s Day alone and indoors.) While I’m reading comics, I’ll need something super-heroic and super-cosy to wear. This sweater and socks combo will keep me extra comfortable as I sit the night out.

For those currently unencumbered, 14 February is the rare opportunity for pure self-indulgence. This year, I will invest in the finest silk- and cashmere-blend hoodie from Loro Piana to take care of the comfort side of the day. And, whether I’m in the mood to listen to Mozart or more guilty pleasures – Bowers & Wilkins’ impeccable-sounding system will take care of the atmosphere. To complete the ambience – this candle will do very nicely.

In order to impress myself, I’m going big on the finer things. From a young age I’ve been more inclined to luxury goods (much to the financial trauma of my parents), so the quickest way to my heart is with a black Bottega Veneta backpack, crafted with passion and skill. Add a dense cashmere Bottega knit and Lanvin trousers, and I’ll be more than satisfied.