Branding can be hard to escape, especially on the items you wear. But what does the big logo on your T-shirt, hoodie or sweatshirt say about you, other than the name of the company that makes your clothing? New psychological research suggests that other people can make judgments about your suitability as a mate based on the branding plastered across your chest. But does the logo in your profile pic really reveal more than your Tinder bio? We asked ourselves the big questions.

You know what big logos on clothing mean…

Brief sexual affairs.

Wait, no. Is that how the proverb goes?

It’s not a proverb, it’s a report. A study recently published in the journal Personality And Social Psychology Bulletin investigated phenotypic mimicry and evolutionary biologists’ assertion that “men’s conspicuous consumption facilitates mate attraction because it predicts resource investment in offspring”.

Eh?

The perception that, when it comes to relationships, men who wear tops with large logos are less likely to stick around.

Oh. And are they less likely to stick around?

We don’t know. What we do know is that a group of students at the University of Michigan think they are, which is the point here. When shown two branded shirts, one with a larger logo and one with a smaller one, participants rated the men wearing the larger logo “higher on mating effort”.

That doesn’t sound so bad.

But “lower on parental investment, higher on interest in brief sexual affairs, lower on interest in long-term committed romantic relationships, higher in attractiveness to women…”

Yes?

“… for brief sexual affairs, lower in attractiveness to women for long-term committed relationships and higher in developmental environment unpredictability compared with men owning shirts displaying a smaller logo.”

Higher, lower – this sounds like a game show.

Play Your Cards Right.

And I thought I was supposed to be the flirty one. What do I win?

The unsolicited judgment of other people. The argument goes that a conspicuous show of wealth can lead to you being viewed as only in it for a short-term fling, rather than a committed relationship.

But I’m advertising the fact that I’m in a committed relationship – with my chosen luxury brand. Brand loyalty, innit?

“Luxury brands have long been associated with status, though men may display luxury brands for different purposes,” Dr Daniel Kruger, the study’s author, told The Guardian. “Subtle displays may be related to more traditional social status and class, whereas showy displays may be flaunting cash that does not last. It is one way of distinguishing dads from cads.”

**Dads from cads? It is a game show – rather than a nuanced and reasoned debate about the semiotic value attributed to branding on clothing. This sounds like prejudice woven into the fabric of society, rather than a shirt. And this would make me a **cad?

According to Dr Kruger.

Hasn’t he got better things to do with his time? Pfft, psychologist? Apologist, more like.

Happy now you’ve got that off your chest?

Yes. Or are we still talking about the logo?