THE JOURNAL
Illustration by Mr Jori Bolton
Solo time is increasingly a part of our modern, atomised lives. However, our feelings about it are anything but straightforward. On the one hand, there is plenty of evidence that we are incredibly lonely – about 3.6m people in the UK experienced chronic loneliness, according to an Office of National Statistics Report from 2023, for example. We are becoming less social, too; a recent survey by Newsweek found that 42 per cent of Americans were less sociable in 2023 than they were in 2019.
The bigger picture, though, is complicated. We might spend more time working from home than ever, but hybrid working has not exacerbated loneliness. And there is plenty of evidence we crave solitude, too, from the popularity of off-the-grid cabin breaks to silent retreats. Couple this with what we know about men’s particular relationship with alone time (in a nutshell, we tend not to talk about it, so it is difficult to gauge how lonely we are) and there is clearly – perhaps aptly – no shared experience. A good place to start is understanding that not all solo time is the same.
“Loneliness is a feeling when your social need is unmet,” says psychologist Dr Thuy-Vy T Nguyen, who studies time alone. “Solitude is a time for yourself, for rest and relaxation, for being authentic with yourself, for doing things that you enjoy.”
Splendid isolation is good for us, too, argues Nguyen, co-author of the new book, Solitude: The Science And Power Of Being Alone.“One unique aspect of solitude is that it opens up our internal world to ourselves,” she says. “We become more self-focused in solitude. In that sense, for someone who is going through a tough time, solitude can be a cure, a reprise from stressful events in our life.”
So, how can we carve out this good version of alone time in our lives, and master it, so that we just don’t feel, well, lonely? We talked to some experts in the field of flying solo for advice.
01. Start small
Ready to hit a five-day digital detox in the woods? Not so fast, says Nguyen, who studied participants spending different periods of time alone. “We found that a short period of solitude brings on strong emotions, some of which are positive [eg, excitement and enthusiasm], but many are also negative emotions [eg, anxiety and anger],” she says. Best then to start with short solitude breaks, so you can better manage these fluctuating feelings.
02. Don’t do nothing
To help manage these highs and lows, the experts suggest it best not to simply sit around ruminating. The Solitude researchers found that veteran solitude practitioners found alone time best observed when doing something compatible with its restful benefits, such as walking, reading and gardening.
But you might also team your time alone with something more your speed. Hiking guide Mr Mark-Antony Yorkston is a fan of completing several Munros – Scotland Highland mountains above 3,000ft – on his own, in a day. “It’s the gritting the teeth and determination to get it done which I enjoy,” he says. “The sense of accomplishment is so big on solo days.”
03. Adjust accordingly
Solo adventurers know a thing or two about solitude. But when Mr Richard J King sailed across the Atlantic on his own in 2007 (see his book Sailing Alone), he didn’t completely cut ties with the wider world.
“At enormous expense, I rented a satellite phone, from which I could get text messages from a weather service and a daily two-minute phone call to my girlfriend, now wife, who is an oceanographer,” says King, who sailed from Portland, Maine, to Cascais in Portugal in five weeks. “She gave me weather predictions, too, not to mention the emotional support. Those phone calls were hugely important to me.”
His point? Solitude doesn’t mean you have to enforce a strict no-people rule.
04. Team up
Yorkston, who documents his climbs @hikingwithmark_, doesn’t make a rule of hiking alone, either. Sometimes he heads out with family, friends and his dog, Alfie and still experiences the calming awe and wonder of the big climb. It might seem counter-intuitive, but you don’t even have to be entirely on your own to experience solitude.
“I’ve been learning to surf,” King says. “It’s a curious mixture of solitude, inside your own thoughts, but always with other people around you. Just sitting there floating and not talking to each other.”
05. Nurture friendships
Whether you find community in solitude practices or just book in your mates afterwards for a catch up over coffee, strong social ties can influence the quality of your alone time.
“People who have a strong social network that they can draw on tend to have better time in the solitude that they choose,” Nguyen says. “It differs according to your personality, but if you think you might benefit from support, you should try to nurture your friendships before embarking on alone time. Being alone is one thing. But feeling alone is different.”
Balancing solitude with social times can also prove a virtuous circle – Nguyen’s studies found that time alone improved subsequent social interactions.
06. Talk about it
We all experience aloneness differently. Parents of young children or those with caring responsibilities might, for example, might feel deprived of time alone. Here, the first step is recognising it’s OK to want solitary breaks.
“It doesn’t have to be a long time,” Nguyen says. “It can just be a short walk outside or a brief reprise in the bathroom. Having that physical space to remove yourself from the ‘noise’ seems to be an effective coping strategy for parents.”
The most important thing is to talk about it. “Communicate that need so your partner can support you,” she says.
07. Keep perspective
Yorkston finds that hiking solo gives him time to reflect and be accountable. Only he, after all, can get himself up the mountain. King found that listening to the radio at night helped him see things differently when sailing the Atlantic alone. “Learning of troubles ashore, often helped put my little trip and the problems I felt I had in a greater perspective,” King says.
Use the opportunity of alone time to take stock, even of solitude itself. “There are times when solitude turns into a space that one uses to escape from challenges they face in their social life,” Nguyen says. “When solitude becomes that, then it becomes less healthy. Investing in solitude shouldn’t necessarily take away from your social life. Both need attention.”
Solitude: The Science And Power Of Being Alone (Cambridge University Press) by Professor Netta Weinstein, Ms Heather Hansen and Dr Thuy-Vy T Nguyen is out now
