In many cases, the possibility of whether someone might be struggling will be obvious. Perhaps they’ve just lost their job, they’re going through a break-up or are grieving the loss of a family member. In these instances, it’s natural (and somewhat expected) to ask them how they’re doing. Equally, if your friend or partner talks often of feeling hopeless, trapped or despairing, you can have a pretty good guess that things aren’t going too great.

It is the subtle signs, however, that can show when everyday difficulties have become too difficult. These are the behaviours we should look for in our friends, family and loved ones – particularly the men in our lives. Mr Tom Ellis, global director of young men’s health literacy at men’s health charity Movember, notes that “Poor health literacy can be compounded by traditional masculine norms such as stoicism, self-reliance or not wanting to seem weak, meaning men are less likely to seek help.”

You might notice that they stop looking after themselves – perhaps they’re not showering or changing their clothes as often, eating too much or not enough, not sleeping or sleeping all the time. They may also withdraw from people and regular activities, avoiding social situations, friends and messages. Or, you might start to find that someone becomes easily frustrated, restless or agitated. A tendency towards recklessness may result in increased drinking or drug taking, gambling or other high-risk activities.

When it comes to addiction specifically, the warning signs can be easily missed thanks to our drinking and drug culture. Dr David McLaughlan, consultant psychiatrist at Priory Hospital Roehampton and cofounder of Curb, a mobile app helping people to reduce or quit drinking, describes indicators such as cravings that preoccupy the user’s thoughts, loss of control over use, continued use despite knowledge of harm, neglect of other interests, withdrawal symptoms and increased tolerance. While these may sound extreme, don’t be fooled: loss of control might be as simple as regularly going out for “one beer” but ending up drinking until the bar closes and buying rounds of shots for strangers, and tolerance might be illustrated by that friend who boasts about being able to “handle their coke”.

You may well be worried about “making it weird”, putting your foot in it or making them feel worse. Sometimes your relationship might not feel as if it is even on that level – or you might be concerned about making them angry, especially if the person you’re approaching suffers from past trauma, which can show up as defensiveness. You do not, however, have to wait for them to bring it up. Not only could this never happen, but talking about it first can help the other person to understand that it’s OK to discuss whatever is going on inside their head.

According to McLaughlan, “There is no absolute right or wrong approach, and it will always depend on the situation. However, as a rule, it’s usually best to take a non-judgemental approach with some gentle curiosity to explore what’s going on. Create a kind, empathetic space where they feel safe to open up, acknowledge how they are feeling and ask for help.”

Ellis further suggests that while men might find it more difficult to discuss their troubles, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to. “There’s a perception gap between how men want to act and how they think society expects them to act,” he says. “When we asked younger men ‘should a man who talks about his worries, fears and problems get respect?’ a majority agreed, but they felt that society told them real men don’t talk about their problems. We need to create an environment where men feel they can talk about their worries and it’s seen as the norm. There is a lot more awareness of men’s health, but there’s a lot of work to do.” The desire to talk may be there, they just might not know where or how to start.

Consider sharing some of your own experiences or how you are feeling. It doesn’t need to be a direct conversation about a specific problem. Show them that you can be vulnerable yourself and open a line of gentle conversation around the subject.

When it comes down to it, the foremost way that you can support someone is simply by talking to them about what they’re going through and listening to what they have to say. But how do we listen and respond in a way that is productive and helpful? And how do we avoid falling into the common pitfalls that can shut down progress?

The first step is to be a good listener. Mental health charity Samaritans advise using the SHUSH active listening method:

Show you care: focus on them when you’re talking, make eye contact and eliminate distractions such as your phone.

Have patience: don’t rush them, either while you’re talking or over the course of multiple discussions. Progress may be slow, non-linear or even seemingly impossible. Remember that they may have had bad experiences with opening up in the past.

Use open questions: avoid anything that can be answered with a yes or no. (McLaughlan suggests helpful alternatives such as “I’ve noticed you’re really busy with work just now. How is that going?” or “Are you sleeping okay? What are you doing to manage that?”)

Say it back: repeat what they have said to check you’ve understood and to let them know you’re listening. If someone’s version of reality seems warped, try not to deny or confirm their beliefs, instead focus on how their experience is making them feel.

Have courage: don’t be put off trying and don’t stop trying if it doesn’t work out straightaway.

The second step is knowing what not to say. McLaughlan advises to “create a safe space where they can share with you. Be mindful of stigmatising language and maybe start by exploring what could be driving the mental health concerns or addiction.”

This means accepting the person for who they are and not judging them. It can be tempting to try to explain what we think they’re going through and to try to “fix” them, but unsurprisingly, doing this will only make them feel worse, less safe and unable to open up. Sorry to all the know-it-all helpers out there (myself included), but this tendency reflects more on our own need for control and for things to be “right” than for what the other person is going through. Try to avoid the following:

· Don’t guilt, shame or pressure them. They likely feel plenty of this already.

· Don’t pathologise or try to diagnose them – nothing is “wrong” with them and you’re not a professional.

· Don’t try to control the situation, force them into taking certain actions or give them ultimatums – these things can back them into a corner and take away their feeling of autonomy.

· Don’t compare their situation to your own or someone else’s.

· Don’t fall into the trap of toxic positivity, reminding them why they should be happy.

· Try not to react strongly if they reveal something shocking – this might feel like rejection, meaning they put their guard up further.

· Don’t take it personally. Don’t make it about you if they don’t react how you expect them to, if they withdraw or if they “flake out” on you.

The most important thing is just to be there. Letting them know you care, staying in touch and checking in regularly can provide comfort, even if you get little in response. Everyone’s experience will be different, and you cannot necessarily expect someone to “get better”. While you might not be able to understand exactly what they’re going through, you can hear them out, validate their experience and reassure them while they figure it out themselves – just like my brother did for me.