The psychology of gifting proves the power of the perfectly chosen present. Follow our guide to get it right this festive season.

There’s a scene in the Christmas special of _The Office _(UK version) that demonstrates the incredibly seductive and romantic power of a perfectly judged gift. As the rest of Wernham Hogg exchange jokey secret Santa presents, Tim has quietly given his love, Dawn – who had previously confided to him her secret dream of being an illustrator – a set of oil paints with a handwritten note that reads: “Never give up”. With tears running down her cheeks at the powerful symbolism of this gift, she finally ditches her uncaring boyfriend (who had cruelly dismissed her dream), and runs into the arms of her true love.

Gift-giving for the rest of us, though, is often a fraught and distinctly unromantic business. In psychological terms, a “critical incident” is the stress caused by a traumatic event. Dr Karen Pine, professor of psychology at the University of Hertfordshire, and author of the study “The Psychology Of Gift Exchange”, says: “We asked people for examples of ‘critical incidents’, and it was usually when you know your present didn’t go down well.”

According to the findings of her research, which investigated gifting experiences of around 700 men and women, common reactions to bad presents included non-verbal cues such as a forced smile, or stuffing the item back into the wrapping paper and putting it out of sight. Verbal honesty, such as asking “I hope you didn’t pay too much for this” was also common. And perhaps, worst of all, the re-gifting of the unwanted present cropped up again and again: “One person even got the gift they they bought a friend back a year later.”

So how do we get it right? According Dr Pine, there are three things to bear in mind when you’re picking out presents this festive season.

“Always aim for an appropriate level of intimacy,” says Dr Pine. For instance, it would be inappropriate to give your PA underwear, or vice versa. Generally speaking, anything that adorns the body or is symbolic of romantic love is to be avoided for work colleagues and friends – this include fragrances, jewellery, underwear and clothes. “Be careful not to overstep relationship boundaries”, says Dr Pine. “It would be inappropriate to give something very personal to your boss that you might give to your boyfriend or girlfriend.”

“A positive gift should carry some shared meaning. It should show some understanding of the other person and their needs. You’re signalling a connection in the relationship. You’re saying, ‘I know something about you; I know that you enjoyed this; I know that you love that.’” Think about Tim and Dawn: she had confided in him her dream of being an artist, and most importantly, he listened. When we get it wrong, it’s because the gift is empty of meaning, or it shows a lack of consideration for the other person and their taste.

We appreciate gifts that the other person has gone to some effort to buy, particularly in intimate relationships. It symbolises caring, that you’ve spent some time on it, and that you’ve been thinking about the other person. That’s why you should never buy your girlfriend a bunch of flowers from the garage. Instead, Dr Pine recommends that you find out the flowers she likes or her favourite colours and scents, and personally choose a bunch of flowers on that basis. Just buying an expensive bouquet won’t cut it.

Co-workers and colleagues

“With workers and colleagues, it’s best to play it safe,” says Dr Pine, “Also, a gift is not the medium with which to air out office issues.” Avoid passive-aggressive presents such as a watch for someone that’s always late, or a book about organisation for the haphazard colleague. Something pleasurable, luxurious and neutral in terms of intimacy, such as a bottle of wine or box of nice chocolates will do. Unless of course, you really fancy them and are ready to show your hand.

Lovers and partners

According to UCL’s professor of psychology Adrian Furnham, author of “The Psychology Of Christmas Gift Giving”, unattached men often view presents as “fiscal foreplay”. Expensive gifts given early on in the relationship can be seen as sexual bribes, while cheaper presents later on in a relationship demonstrates complacency. According to Dr Pine: “Early in a relationship, it can be a bit unclear whether you should buy a present or not. You should get something, but don’t go over the top. The danger is you have to talk about where your relationship is going.”

Children

The temptation at Christmas is to give children everything they ask for, but for Dr Pine, the festive season is also a chance to teach children to think of others: “It’s important to teach them Christmas isn’t just about getting stuff. Involve them in making a picture for Granny or baking her a cake, so they get involved. When adults buy all the gifts and kids are on the receiving end, they don’t learn about the value of the exchange and about the consideration of other people.”

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