A four-step recovery plan for the morning after the night before.

Mr Kingsley Amis’s was one part brandy, one part bourbon, four parts milk, frozen milk cubes and nutmeg. Mr Oliver Reed’s was sardines on toast, chocolate and Lucozade. Mr Hunter S Thompson’s was a dozen amyl nitrates and “as many beers as necessary”.

It’s not just the hangover cures of legendary drinkers that possess a mythical quality. Most of the oft-cited panaceas for the morning after the night before are little more than old wino’s tales, for the simple reason that the mechanism behind hangovers is complex and not yet fully comprehended by science (perhaps because of a lack of willing study subjects). The usual suspects – dehydration, low blood sugar – are not entirely guilty.

Ultimately, there is no proven cure for a hangover because there is no cure. You must languish in purgatory while your body clears its backlog. But rather than tell you that prevention is the only cure – which, unless you’re reading this the night before, is not especially helpful – MR PORTER has distilled the literature on libation into a four-step recovery plan.

Dehydration is a factor in your hangover, sure. But you don’t lose enough electrolytes from boozing to necessitate a sports drink. Studies show that Gatorade et al are no better at alleviating hangovers than tap water. Drinking too much water too quickly, however, will only further aggravate an irritated stomach. Fructose can help metabolise alcohol, so maybe swap one glass of H2O for OJ. If it was a really heavy night, drop in a B vitamin complex such as Berocca, which can relieve symptoms. Coffee can constrict the dilated blood vessels in your addled brain, but it can also cause headaches, so maybe hold the second shot. Speaking of shots, hair of the dog will only prolong the inevitable “ruff” feeling, which peaks 12 to 14 hours after, when your blood-alcohol concentration nears zero.

Greasy food can slow alcohol absorption when consumed the night before, but is too late the morning after, and may make you feel more nauseous. Carbs will boost low blood sugar, though, particularly the slow-release kind, which studies on hungover students have shown boost memory and mood more than simple sugars. (NB: high blood sugar has been linked with particularly wicked – or WKD – hangovers.) Instead of an oleaginous full English, make yourself some toast with eggs, which contain an amino acid called cysteine that assists your liver in recuperating from its exertions. Add a side of asparagus, which speeds the cells that break down alcohol, and bacon. Its amino acids have also been shown to ameliorate hangover symptoms. But then bacon makes everything better.

The latest research into hangovers indicates that they are an inflammatory response similar to when you get a wound or infection. In this case, wine flu. Sufferers exhibit elevated levels of molecules called cytokines, which your immune system uses as communication signals. An anti-inflammatory such as ibuprofen is therefore on message. Other painkillers, however, can make things worse. Acetaminophen (paracetamol/Tylenol) is metabolised by your already put-upon liver and aspirin can upset your stomach. IV drips are also a trendy and spendy option. Junior doctors may swear by them, but drips have little benefit beyond rehydration (which, as we’ve established, is only part of the struggle) and the person administering it being nice to you.

You can’t sweat out a hangover, no matter how hard you try. Your body processes alcohol at the rate of about one drink per hour. (Consumption in excess of that is what got you into this mess in the first place.) But some light exercise can release mood-boosting endorphins, burn some of the calories that you took on and alleviate the accompanying guilt and existential angst. Half an hour of low-intensity cycling has also been shown to repair alcohol-induced brain damage. Bear in mind that you’re already dehydrated, so don’t sign up for SoulCycle. Working out can also distract you while you ride out your hangover, but you can achieve that effect less strenuously, by watching TV, say, playing a computer game or having sex – depending on how you do it, of course.

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