How to word your out of office email.

We all know a holiday only officially begins when you set your out of office. There is pure joy to be found in hitting save and ebulliently skipping off past your tired, cranky colleagues and heading for the blue skies of another, much nicer country. But no matter how much your holiday mania is taking hold, it’s wise to exercise restraint when typing your OOO because while you’re #blissedout on a beach in Asia, your colleagues and clients will be reading that OOO, and the contents could be the difference between love and hate, a permanent job and your P45 (or pink slip, for our US counterparts). To help you out, we have identified the five out of officers that exist in the world of work. Which one are you?

The bête noire of office workers. Smuggins hasn’t even reached departures but he’s already typed out “Currently lying on a beach in Tulum, margarita in hand – don’t hate me!!!” He is so amped about his holiday that he has lost all compassion for those further down the chain of command who are struggling to pay their rent and will have to see this cheery boasting bounce back into their inboxes on a daily basis for the next two weeks. Steel yourself against the Instagram posts of filtered sunsets signed off with #sorrynotsorry and do your best to swamp him with deadlines when he returns.

Wesley from purchasing is heading off on a four-night murder mystery weekend in Staffordshire. So far, his OOO includes contact details for 17 project heads, phone numbers for 12 off-site contractors and an 18-strong email list for “escalations”. He has also left his mobile number and hotel name and will be checking in regularly. Wesley thinks he is a vital part of the corporate machine. The reality is discovered on Tuesday morning: one generic email from reception about emptying the dishwasher.

There are still people who say “Content is king” without irony. These people like to use their out of office as a tool of “engagement”. Their traditional OOO will include links to inspiring TED Talks and a kicker to a digital marketing conference where, of course, they are a guest speaker. There might also be a link to a long read on “How to tell a good story in the digital age”. The memo is clear. Junior members of staff must read all of this, and mine the internet for a clever and creative response. The C suite should take note of this superstar in the making.

Gary from sales is on holiday in Mykonos. It’s going to be “bangin”, apparently. According to the email he just sent, it looks pretty great. Oh, no, wait ­­– that’s not Gary. That’s a meme of Mr Ray Winstone in Sexy Beast. Isn’t Gary funny emailing you a photo of Mr Winstone in his smalls? Hold on, that’s actually Gary’s generic out of office, which will be sent to everyone, including that EIP client in the Middle East. Chaos ensues, IT log in to his account and turn off his OOO and HR terminate his contract. Have fun in Mykonos, Gary!

Do you think Jay Z has an OOO? We think not. Seriously powerful people don’t need them because a) they don’t have offices, preferring to hold meetings on private jets and in the back of armoured cars. They are never not working but simultaneously, are always, sort of, on holiday. And b), the elite don’t need an email telling you of their whereabouts because they have an entire team to do that. A living, breathing, walking, talking out of office, that allows you to waltz through life unburdened by meeting requests and company updates. If you have one goal in life, make it that. But just be prepared for the hundreds of emails containing the phrase “I just wanted to make sure you had seen the below…” you’re going to have to delete. But then I guess someone else can probably do that, too.

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