At 3.00am, the man sits up, perches for a moment of quiet contemplation on the edge of his mattress, then springs out of bed. A brief self-appraisal in the bathroom mirror follows, then he’s downing bottles of water laced with various health-inducing tinctures. Next, he gears up and he’s out into the dark streets for a swift half marathon before even the milkman is awake. Back home, it’s a brief weight session, a shower followed by a Patrick Bateman-esque skincare routine, then it’s time to check in on the side hustle. You can tell he’s concentrating because of the way he’s hunched over his laptop, lit by its eerie glow. Ten minutes later, he’s done and out the door to begin a two-hour commute to work.

You’ve probably seen these maniacs on TikTok, posting about the “five-to-nine before the nine-to-five”. These hustle culture obsessives with minds and bodies perfectly sculpted for financial and physical optimisation. Not for them the warm embrace of a duvet on a cold morning. Not when there are miles to be covered and investments to be made. The subtext is as subtle as a brick to the head: while mere losers like you and I sleep, better men – and women – are up and at ’em, getting ahead. It’s exhausting, and even a little nauseating.

None more so than when you’re doomscrolling through these videos at 3.00am yourself, unable to sleep. I wouldn’t call it insomnia, but I have at least a few restless nights per fortnight, nights when my brain is buzzing with unsent emails, general existential dread, my lack of achievements in life – the usual stuff. Not once have I ever considered jumping out of bed and beginning my day then and there. No. Getting up for a wee is difficult enough. And unlike the performative TikTok bros, I know that the real wellness hack isn’t a pre-dawn sprint, but sleep itself.

A few days without proper sleep and my mental health drops off a cliff. I start to overthink and work myself up into a tizzy over nothing. My exercise regimen goes out the window and I start to crave junk food, which only makes me feel worse. If my “five-to-nine before the nine-to-five” consists of anything but ZZZs, I’m almost unable to function at all.

I’m not alone. A study by the Sleep Council found that 70 per cent of UK adults sleep less than seven hours per night.

“When I haven’t slept, I feel incredibly anxious and incapable of facing the world,” says my friend, Joe, 31. “I feel like a toddler who’s been Freaky Fridayed into my adult body and is overwhelmed at having a nine-to-five job.”

Neither Joe nor I have children, so you may laugh at our innocence here, but the struggle is real. David Gibson, an osteopath and sleep expert at thesleepssite.co.uk, says that sleep inertia does more than make us sluggish.

“Lack of sleep leads to an increase in cortisol levels, which puts you on high alert,” Gibson says. “You also get heightened activity in your amygdala – your brain’s emotional centre – which leads to anxiety and negative mood.”

Lack of restoration in the cognitive areas of the brain can lead to a lack of focus, and negative thinking. “Finally,” Gibson says, “sleep deprivation leads to a reduction in serotonin and dopamine which are the feel-good neurotransmitters, leaving you feeling down and less motivated.”

When I haven’t slept, I’m no fun to be around. God only knows how my partner feels. When it comes to getting work done, after a restless night, I can feel like I’m dragging ideas out of a brain made of molasses. Go for a run and it’s like my legs are encased in concrete. Get enough sleep, though, and it’s a different story entirely.

“A good night’s sleep is a super-power, restoring our mind and body overnight, making it one of the most powerful tools we have for health, happiness and productivity,” Gibson says.

As well as boosting the feel-good hormones, plentiful sleep allows growth hormone to be released to support physical recovery. “All of our cognitive functions are improved,” says Gibson. “After a good night’s sleep your productivity and motivation will be at their maximum.”

So, how can we get to sleep? Dr Deborah Lee, a clinical psychologist working with Dr Fox Online Pharmacy, points to a 2023 meta-analysis of different methods used to improve sleep quality. “The strongest evidence was for physical sleep aids, relaxation, manual therapy and music interventions,” she says.

That’s eye masks and ear plugs, playlists of soothing songs or nature sounds and relaxation therapies such as pre-bed meditations, or aromatherapy using lavender and other scents.

For Gibson, the key to a restful night is consistent bed and wake-up times. “If you catch up on sleep at the weekend, limit it to a maximum of 90 minutes, as longer lie-ins can disrupt your circadian rhythm and even affect the health of your gut microbiome, which plays a key role in sleep quality,” he says.

There are some groggy mornings, however, where you’ll have to suck it up and get on with your day. They key then, Gibson says, is to get 10–15 minutes of natural light exposure within an hour of waking to help reset your circadian rhythm. A walk to the local coffee shop should do it. Unfortunately, stumbling around your neighbourhood checking your Strava in the dark isn’t quite as efficient, even if the algorithm loves it.