No one thought that he would actually show up. Especially after the stag do “incident”, which, every time someone enquires about it, those who were present shiftily look at each other, then the floor. But here he is, the confirmed bachelor, ready to relinquish his “playa” status and commit to just one person for longer than a night (we hope). True, his parents are desperate for grandchildren, so the pressure’s on to settle down and forgo his promiscuous antics. On the morning of the wedding, he needs all the Dutch courage he can get. He reinstalls Raya one last time for a quick validation swipe before deactivating his account and taking the plunge. Later that evening, he finds himself sitting by a guest who happens to be just his type, complimenting them on “such a gorgeous outfit that really brings out your eyes”. He just can’t help himself.

“I’m seeing this all for the first time,” says the guy who left all the heavy lifting to his other half. He’s just rocked up from his bachelor weekend – and is still buzzing from edibles he took pre-flight – so he could be referring to either mushroom-induced hallucinations or the wedding itself. But, man, what a send-off his bucks’ party (AKA “the main event”) was. Still, he’s made it, in a suit that’s a bit too tight with sleeves that are a little too long. His close circle holds their breath through most of the best man speech (a couple of anecdotes have the potential to destroy the newlywed bliss). A complete lack of inhibitions and large quantity of tequila equals inappropriate dancing with his mother-in-law. It is highly likely there will be no consummation of marriage on the night of the wedding. This groom will be sloppily passed out after failing to persuade any more guests to stay up partying.

This groom’s got through more spouses than the Peltz Beckhams did wedding planners. His friends and family are sick of buying new outfits and have stopped with the gifts altogether. Because he’s done it all before – multiple times. And what do you buy the guy who has it all? To be honest, this tycoon either isn’t emotionally invested to start with, or never actually gets to know his future partner until after they’re wed. It’s only later that he decides they’re not the one for him. But what he does enjoy is the wedding build-up and excitement. Not that he has much involvement – life’s a ball when you can outsource everything. He even generated his vows using an AI platform, of which he’s a key stakeholder. The one thing he always ensures, though, is a watertight prenup. Long-term monogamy just isn’t worth the certificate it’s printed on.

Handfasting? Feet washing? The quaich ritual? How many people are familiar with these ancient Scottish wedding rites? Not this groom, if he’s being honest, but that hasn’t stopped him from bringing his 1/16th Scottish ancestry – which he’s somehow never mentioned before – to the forefront for his big day. His bachelor party involved a haggis hunt in Braveheart-style face paints, a Speerin that resembled that toilet scene from Trainspotting followed by “boar on the floor” and stone lifting, then the groom reciting the poetry of Mr Robert Burns in a cod Scots accent. On the day, the dress code must incorporate tartan and men are expected to wear kilts. For impact, he decides to book not one but five bagpipers. For the lang reel, they assure him they can play any song and are open to requests – although their rendition of “Crazy In Love” is questionable at best. Guests encourage them to take a long and well-deserved break and ply them with whisky in the hope that they’ll stop. It goes without saying that the wedding isn’t even in Scotland.