The Coach: The Joys Of Being Single

Link Copied


The Coach: The Joys Of Being Single

Words by Mr David Waters

30 January 2020

“It is sometimes difficult to persuade well-meaning helpers that solitude can be as therapeutic as emotional support”

There was nothing really missing from Andrew’s life other than a social expectation he should be tied to a significant other. He sometimes had casual hook-ups through dating apps, but nobody he met really stuck beyond a few dates and, truth be told, it didn’t seem to really matter to him all that much, either. His real passion was his sport and, deep down, Andrew worried if he did have a partner, she may try and get between him and his precious motocross bike.

Over the years, I’ve run workshops on how to hold onto romantic relationships over time. One of the tasks I ask students is to list the benefits of being single compared to those of being romantically involved. What often surprises everyone is how similar in length their lists always are. For every “companionship” listed on the love list there is “freedom” on the single list. In fact, freedom, autonomy and more free time usually come out on top as the greatest benefits to life lived alone.

Yet for psychologists, our ability to form and hold onto a romantic relationship is seen as the gold standard of a life well lived. There’s an implication that something may be lacking for those of us who, either through chance or design, choose to be single.

This view isn’t at all helpful, argues psychoanalyst Dr Anthony Storr in his seminal book on single life, Solitude. “Man was not born for love alone,” he writes. “In a culture in which interpersonal relationships are generally considered to provide the answer to every form of distress, it is sometimes difficult to persuade well-meaning helpers that solitude can be as therapeutic as emotional support.”

In other words, a single life which has purpose and passion may be just as sustaining and meaningful as for any couple profoundly in love.

To emphasise his point, Dr Storr quotes the lives of artists, thinkers and scientists from the past who found huge satisfaction in their work, creativity and self-expression without the distraction of a partner.

I suggested to Andrew that he read Dr Storr’s book to help him appreciate how rich his life is already. He loved it. “It seems all of us are in relationships all the time,” he said when he handed it back to me. “It’s just that right now my significant other has two wheels, an engine and is usually covered in mud!”

Illustration by Ms Stefania Infante