What your swimwear says about you.

In normal, fully dressed society, our sartorial choices offer up a nuanced portrait of our interior selves. Through an artful combination of colours, textures, garments and patterns, we can showcase our taste, discretion and, hopefully, a little bit of individuality. Sadly, though, all that pretty much goes out the window when you hit the beach. Here, any first impression you make is almost entirely dependent upon the success or failure of one garment: your swim shorts. How then, to make sure you come across in the right way? Which pair of trunks screams “I’m interesting” rather than “I’m drowning”? In an attempt to tackle such questions head on, we at MR PORTER have put together the following guide. Scroll down, and see if you can find yourself.

Fastidious and finickety, you’re the type of person that stands out by holding back, style-wise. If you’re being scrupulously honest, you’re also not too keen on fashion fads, jazzy patterns or bright colours – no, no, you prefer the company of timeless things. You might think this is something of a big ask in the world of swimwear, but actually there are a slew of brands out there offering seriously classy options in this department – New York’s Onia being one of them. This streamlined pair of shorts in a rich burgundy are not just appealingly minimal but surprisingly quick-drying, thanks to their technical cotton shell fabric. When you’re ready to rejoin the civilised world (and you’re always ready), you can pass them off as regular shorts by pairing them with a simple white shirt from Orlebar Brown, and stashing your towel in a Saint Laurent tote.

You’re probably a designer of some sort, which means you can’t bear the thought of leaving your beloved lines, squares and grids in the office. Good news, you don’t have to. Fend off the unsightly chaos of nature with this pair of two-tone swim shorts from sharp surf-inspired brand Saturdays NYC. They’ll look particularly good with other bold, graphic pieces, such as Margaret Howell’s MHL classic striped Breton T-shirt and Prada’s grey-and-white striped pool slides. Presumably, you’ll also want to bring some speakers along, so you can drown out the sound of the waves with some edgy electronic music. For these purposes we would suggest you check out the wares of B&O play.

People have to be a little careful about what they say around you. As soon as the word “beach” crops up in conversation, you sprint over to your drawers in search of the loudest, stripiest garments you own. It’s OK, it’s a perfectly normal – if a little bit too enthusiastic – reaction; but it’s important to remember that if you’re channelling your inner maximalist, you need to do it right. Harmonise your patterns by coordinating them around a central colour – in the above selection we’ve picked blue. It also helps if the geometry of each pattern differs in size and texture, as in the stripes of these Faherty swim shorts, which contrast quite sharply with the Gucci shirt. Our final piece of advice? Unless you consider yourself a serious expert, try not to do more than two patterns at a time – a judicious pair of plain espadrilles can go a long way.

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