The stats you need to be up-to-speed with American football.

The World Cup has ended, and the NFL season is upon us, which means that in the US, “football” means FOOTBALL! again. A brief recap from last year: the New England Patriots lost in the Super Bowl to the Philadelphia Eagles (it’s way more fun if you say the result in that direction because Patriots and “lost” don’t come together all that often), we’re still not sure what a catch is, or what happens if you kneel during the national anthem, and about a dozen rocket-armed rookie quarterbacks are entering the league — one or two of whom might actually turn out to be good (read on to find out which ones). Here, we tackle the 14 questions you need answered before you’re ready for Thursday, 7 September, when the Eagles and Falcons kick off the season.

01. Are the Eagles going to win the Super Bowl again?

No. We’re not going to say they have no chance, but we’ll give them about the same chance as someone moving from a real city to Philadelphia and liking it. This isn’t (just) a bid to troll Philly fans – it’s the modern NFL. No team has won back-to-back titles in 13 years, and only two Super Bowl winners over that stretch even made it back. It’s just too hard. It takes too much good fortune. And it’s not as if the 2017-18 Eagles were a juggernaut. They were deep and tough and outclawed a weak field. That’s also not (just) a bid to troll Philly fans: the Eagles had to overcome Mr Case Keenum to reach the Super Bowl, and while they had to beat Mr Tom Brady once they got there, it was this close to being Mr Blake Bortles. They won’t be back.

02. Which player in a new uniform is going to be the toughest to get used to?

Mr Richard Sherman in a San Francisco 49ers jersey, easily. He and his former team, the Seahawks, meet twice in three weeks in December. We. Cannot. Wait. Also: Mr Ndamukong Suh on the LA Rams, and Mr Jordy Nelson on the Raiders.

03. Wait – did Gronk retire? Didn’t he say something about retiring after the Super Bowl?

No, he did not retire. Come on. No one has ever enjoyed being anyone more than Gronk enjoys being Gronk.

04. **Have the Raiders moved to Vegas yet? **

Next season. But you can sign up for season tickets now.

05. The Raiders moving to Las Vegas is going to be catastrophe, right?

Right?!

06. Anything new from Mr Tom Brady?

Always! Watch Mr Brady get surly and storm off when a reporter asks him what he thinks of people linking wide receiver Mr Julian Edelman (who was recently suspended for testing positive for PEDs) with Mr Brady’s own controversial trainer, Mr Alex Guerrero. “Ridiculous,” Mr Brady called the suggestion. Because he knows no one in the league would ever do anything to gain an unfair advantage.

07. Is tackling still legal?

Sort of? The biggest rule change of the offseason will make it even tougher on defenses, and might throw games into monsoons of yellow penalty flags: players are no longer allowed to lower their heads to make a tackle, or it’s a 15-yard personal foul and possible suspension. On the surface, this is a good thing: the NFL is taking real strides to address player safety. The problem is that, at pro-athlete speeds, these kinds of hits are almost impossible to avoid — especially considering that collisions in football, whether it’s tackling or blocking, are built around the physics principle that the low man wins. Getting low is what players are taught from day one. Now it’s a potential penalty on every play. One former Bronco called the situation “a fucking mess”, which of course is the NFL’s specialty.

08. Who’s that handsome new QB who got spotted on a date with that porn star?

Mr Jimmy Garoppolo. AKA Jimmy Jesus. Longtime backup to Mr Brady in New England, now the man in San Francisco. Notoriously dreamy, recently captured by TMZ squiring adult-film actress Ms Kiara Mia on a date. Ms Mia reported afterward that it was nothing serious, and that Mr Garoppolo is “sexy as fuck”.

So just to recap: if you’re a hot, white QB, you can date porn stars in public and get record-setting contracts after just a handful NFL starts. But if you’re a black QB who comes with a yard of winning the Super Bowl and you use your platform to say that police brutality is wrong, you’re finished.

09. Speaking of which: will any team sign Mr Colin Kaepernick this season?

Sadly, no. Mr Kaepernick is never playing in the NFL again. He knows that. The NFL knows that. Fortunately, the league can’t seem to shake his ghost, and Kap keeps finding new and ingenious ways to haunt the people who stole his career.

10. Have the NFL owners botched this Mr Kaepernick/anthem-kneeling controversy so badly that it’s now entering its third season, with no end in sight?

Oh, you know they have! Over the summer, the owners took an informal, anonymous “unanimous” vote to permit players to remain in the tunnel during the national anthem – but to fine them if they kneel, and leave it to the team’s discretion to go further. Which, of course, several owners wasted no time in doing. Mr Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys, of course, went the furthest, declaring that his players could either stand for the anthem or play for another team. The Dolphins, meanwhile, have suggested they might hand out suspensions. Players were outraged, of course: the 49ers’ Mr Sherman slammed Mr Jones’ “old plantation mentality,” and Eagles cornerback Mr Malcolm Jenkins called him “a bully”. Now everyone is waiting to see what happens in week one: will players kneel en masse and dare the owners to respond?

11. Surely there must’ve been a simple solution to this all along?

You mean, like, NFL commissioner Mr Roger Goodell and the owners could’ve just said: “Look, this is America, these are grown-ass men, and no matter how much we disagree – and we really, really, really disagree – they are allowed to say, peacefully, whatever they want. And if you wanna show your disapproval by booing them or burning their jerseys or boycotting our games, go for it. That’s your right. We get it. We hope you’ll come back soon”? Or something like that? Yes. It would’ve been over in two weeks.

12. **Can we get back to actual football: who is my new favourite player? **

OK! If we’re starting from scratch, Mr Saquon Barkley, the Giants’ second overall pick. The new hotness among NFL offenses is depth and versatility at running back — the ability to shuttle in fresh guys who can run and catch with equal skill, guys like Mr Le’Veon Bell and Arizona’s Mr David Johnson and… Mr Barkley, who was a student at Penn State. A new Giants front office with no fealty to Mr Eli Manning passed on a golden opportunity to replace him, taking Barkley instead. And no one thought they were crazy. He must be good.

13. Which of these rookie quarterbacks will actually be good?

After decades of study, only one method has proven effective time and time again at predicting the pro success of college QBs: their name. Great NFL quarterbacks have great quarterback names. Bad NFL quarterbacks have bad quarterback names. The strike rate for the Law of Quarterback Names is approximately 97 per cent. Before we dive into this year’s class, though, a key distinction: plenty of great names make lousy quarterback names. A quarterback name is crisp, rippling, optimistic. If you read aloud the list of top 10 quarterbacks in the NFL, goddamn, it sounds like America: Messrs Tom Brady, Cam Newton, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Russell Wilson... Not a Mr Blaine Gabbert in the bunch. So how do the rookies measure up, onomastically speaking? Let’s go in draft order:

Mr Baker Mayfield, Cleveland Browns: now that’s a name. The Browns might have their Mr Joe Montana. Last year they drafted Mr DeShone Kizer. Look how that turned out.

Mr Sam Darnold, New York Jets: this name is mush. First of all, he’d have a much better shot if he went by Sammy. As for Darnold… It’s a bad thing when your last name sounds like something you say after you slap your forehead in frustration. It’s a bad thing when your last name is basically “Arnold.” It’s a bad thing when your last name sounds like a brand of sandwich bread. It’s also a bad thing when you’re the Jets quarterback, so, yeah.

(Note: the Jets backup quarterback is Mr Teddy Bridgewater, whose name is splendid, whose name is everything Mr Sam Darnold’s name is not, and who deserves as many chances as it takes until he makes it in the NFL.)

Mr Josh Rosen, Arizona Cardinals: as quarterback names go, it’s succinct if a bit bland. Bonus points, though, for his preposterously optimistic nickname, Chosen Rosen.

Mr Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills: no chance.

Mr Lamar Jackson, Baltimore Ravens: let’s just say, some guys beat the odds – like for instance Mr Jared Goff, who does it every time he completes a pass. We’ll be rooting for Mr Jackson to do the same.

14. **Who is going to win the Super Bowl? **

Not the Eagles. One of the 31 teams that are not the Eagles. That’s only half-glib! The NFL right now is basically a rookie-to-fourth-year league. Teams don’t want to pay for veterans. Only superstars get big second contracts. Front offices fill out their rosters with young, cheap, inexperienced players – which means that the time it takes to go from very bad to Super Bowl contender has gotten much shorter.

But punting is annoying, so here’s two picks, one knocking on the door, one coming out of nowhere:

The New Orleans Saints are back to being one of the most exciting teams in the league because of their superstar, Mr Alvin Kamara. See what we did there? You thought we were gonna say Mr Drew Brees, right? Things change fast in the NFL, and while Mr Brees is still very much in Hall of Fame form, he is 39 years old and at times last season it showed. He wasn’t spraying the ball everywhere quite like he used to. And that’s OK because Mr Kamara is now the Saints’ best player. He got 202 touches as a rookie last year, and with backfield mate Mr Mark Ingram serving a four-game PED suspension, that number could double this season. But the real reason the Saints are a Super Bowl contender is their swarming, risk-taking, ball-hawking defense. It’s a team built to play with leads and pressure quarterbacks into huge mistakes – a team built to make game-breaking plays for 60 straight minutes.

The Houston Texans were 3-4 last year and coming off one of those statement-making road losses that talented young teams often go through right before they lift off – a 41-38 heartbreaker in Seattle. Mr DeShaun Watson threw for 402 yards and connected with Mr DeAndre Hopkins on a 72-yard touchdown to put Houston up with four minutes left, and at that moment it seemed like their statement game might be a road win. But then Mr Russell Wilson Russell-Wilson’d, and the Texans defence, already missing Mr JJ Watt and magically named Mr Whitney Mercilus, were powerless to stop him. The next week, Mr Watson blew out his knee and the wheels came off. The Texans lost eight of their last nine games and finished last in the division. This year, though, everyone is healthy, including Mr Watson, who’ll be back for the Texans opening. Also, Houston’s division stinks. Honestly, the entire AFC stinks. The Texans have all the talent they need. With a different owner, they’d be a joy to root for!