Three ways out of the jovial grind of party season.

Here we are, on the first day of December. Also known as: that month with too many parties and not enough people to go to them. What is it about this time of year that makes people feel obliged to mount their own bashes, irrespective of whether or not they themselves or any of their intended guests will actually enjoy the things? Perhaps it’s the manufactured frenzy of Black Friday. Perhaps there’s some sinister ingredient in the mince pies. In any case, such is the deluge of invitations to gratuitous at-homes, festive fizzles, and merrily-on-high cocktail parties over the next few weeks that even the most slippery and eel-like specimens among us tend to find themselves overcommitted. The result: canapé bloat, a month-long hangover, a feeling of being not just sick of your own voice, but your very soul. And you thought this was the season to be jolly, eh? Clearly, in the service of damage control, you’re going to have to wriggle out of some of these silly things. Scroll down for some rules on formulating the perfect excuse.

The first thing you need to ditch, obviously, is the work Christmas party. These not only tend to go on over-long, and involve a little too much over-sharing, they’re filled with a festive stuffing of the terrible people that you’ve spent all year staring at and plotting against. Handily, though colleagues tend to pretend to be your best friend when they want something from you, they should readily accept you have a life outside the office. Invent some dear old pal from your school days who’s in town for one night only. Give him a milestone birthday party that unfortunately falls on the night of the proposed “Tinsel and Taxes” corporate do. Then rush off early with your imaginary chum, take him home, and buy him a pizza, which you then proceed to eat yourself. What could be more professional?

Of course, sometimes the people you actually choose to spend your time with on a regular basis get funny ideas, too. An eight-person reunion dinner, at a restaurant that’s hiked its prices just in time for the holiday season? Not kind to the stomach or wallet. An afternoon drinks at their new, giant house in the deepest, darkest suburbs? Oh, dear, no. Best just to swipe left on these opportunities, too, and for this you’ll need to up the ante. So use your family – it’s what they’re there for, isn’t it? Particularly handy for these purposes are older people. Perhaps, for example dear old Grandma is travelling down, and looking poorly. Perhaps it could be her last Christmas? Surely, you should make the most of it and spend some time with her on the evening in question? On the other end of the scale, babies can be good, too – no one questions treachery and disloyalty if there’s a sweet little cherub in the picture. In extreme cases, you might want to announce a new arrival in your brood – ah, the miracle of birth! Who could miss it? Yes, this might be a fairly difficult lie to sustain in the long run, but, really, will anyone care by January?

The best and most bullet-proof excuse for absenteeism is just that: not being there. It’s fairly easy to do, too. You book some flights, a couple of nice hotels, and plan to spend a large chunk of the festive season abroad with one or two select people, sipping the kind of wine no one ever gives you at parties and having the kind of fun that they, on the whole, fail to generate. If you’re in need of inspiration for exactly where to go, perhaps peruse Mr Jonathan Thompson’s recent piece on the best places to enjoy winter. And if you’re not completely keen on spending a huge amount of money on the whole thing, maybe just do it for a weekend. Who’s to say, after all, when you leave and when you come back? If your Instagram feed continues to be replenished with blissful snowscapes, people will probably just assume you’re not available, and also begin to feel a twinge of that most festive of emotions: jealousy.