Forget social media “likes” and focus on being likeable with these top tips.

“Like.” It’s such a humble-sounding, innocuous-seeming little word, isn’t it? At least when compared to “[love](http://Popular The Power Of Likeability In A Status-Obsessed World),” “hate,” and all those other small but ringingly depth-charged, clangingly portentous verbs? However, according to Mr Mitch Prinstein, in his new book Popular: The Power Of Likeability In A Status-Obsessed World, how much we’re liked – by our peers, our work colleagues, and yes, even on Facebook – has profound implications when it comes to our success, our relationships, and our happiness. “Popular people are higher achievers and bigger earners, with happier marriages and stronger work relationships,” he writes. “Unpopular people are more prone to substance abuse, depression, injury, illness, and suicide.”

Mr Prinstein knows what he’s talking about; at 16, he writes, he was a “four-foot-seven, 100-pound weakling in bifocals, the recipient of the not-hugely-coveted Perfect Attendance award in ninth-grade-class, regularly humiliated by the cool kids.” On his way to becoming a high-achieving, presumably non-substance-abusing psychologist, he’s studied popularity in depth, and concluded that those “cool kids” were aiming for the wrong kind of popularity; that is, status rather than likeability. “The desire to be popular is fundamental to human nature, but it’s not always good for us,” he counsels. In a world where self-worth seems to be dependent on social media affirmation, how can we emulate Mr Prinstein, and come out on top in all the beneficial, gratifying, non-toxic ways? These three lessons from his book should help get us onto a more favoured footing.

If the very word “popular” transports you back to a playground in which you were mobbed or shunned by your schoolmates, there’s a good reason for that: “By first grade, the popularity hierarchy is established,” writes Mr Prinstein, and our position in the high-school pecking-order continues to play out in business meetings and social gatherings, as well as affecting personal relationships and even how we raise our children. “Unpopular people relive their awkward high school days forever, screening out all the positive social cues they witness,” he says. The solution, short of access to a time machine and the re-ordering of the social clique? “Even the smallest of adjustments in our current behaviour can change our future,” extols Mr Prinstein; “a friendly overture to a passer-by, a single act of kindness, or even something as simple as a smile.”

In adolescence, we start to crave status, power, influence, and notoriety. This is thanks to the influence of the ventral striatum, a hub in the brain’s reward centre that responds to pubertal hormones like oxytocin – which increases our desire to connect and bond with our peers –  and dopamine – which produces a pleasure response to what Mr Prinstein calls “social rewards”. That is, “feedback in being noticed, approved, and admired.” The striatum continues to strobe in adults, which is why, Mr Prinstein says, “some of us begin to believe that status is synonymous with contentment.” But actually, what we should be trying to achieve is not status, but likeability – the more empathic, less “road-ragey” alternative to status. “Instead of dominance and power, it’s about acceptance, inclusion, and an ability to read the room,” writes Mr Prinstein. “And ironically, it’s so much easier to achieve.”

Mr Prinstein is as susceptible as anyone to social media bigging-up: Facebook “likes” make him feel “reinforced,” albeit fleetingly. But while “networked society offers the possibility of an interminable adolescence where we can raise our own level of popularity with the click of a mouse,” it’s how we interact when we come out from behind our screens that sorts “liked” from liked. “Be kind and co-operative,” Mr Prinstein exhorts. “Take time to listen. Avoid putting others down, and make more of an effort to fit in than stand out. It’s the small things, the human things, that make organisations flourish and make people happy – and make ourselves more genuinely popular.”

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