The tracks guaranteed to make your marriage ceremony one to remember – and no, no Mr Ed Sheeran .

Weddings are unique to every couple, but one thing about them is universal: they turn sane people into deranged fools. If you and your dearly beloved manage to agree on the venue, clothes, menu and guest list, one last major test of your relationship stands between you and happily ever after: the wedding playlist.

Throughout the big day, there are three scenes that require a perfect soundtrack. The bride’s arrival, the first dance, and the party. So how do you go about getting it right? With such a wide demographic in attendance, most people play it safe to avoid upsetting in-laws and the elderly. In recent years, this has manifested in a deep shade of bland, with harpists performing classical covers of Adele at civil ceremonies, and millions of lovers taking their first dance as married couples to the sound of Mr Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud”. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are five tips to help you avoid sonic warfare on your special day.

As the cliché goes, many women dream of their wedding day their entire adult lives, so don’t go ruining her big entrance by messing up the music. It goes without saying, but avoid “Gold Digger” by Mr Kanye West, “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Ms Tammy Wynette, “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” by Mr Paul Simon, and “Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now” by The Smiths. When I got married, my fiancé and I chose “Sign O’ The Times” by Prince as we loved to dance to it when we were dating. But as the big day approached, she had second thoughts – mainly due to the lyrics about Aids, gang violence and drug addiction. So we plumped for “Gold In The Air Of Summer” by Kings of Convenience instead. Afterwards we walked blissfully into a blizzard of confetti serenaded by Ms Grace Jones’s “La Vie En Rose”. It was perfect – for us. So, make sure you choose songs for the ceremony that are romantic and personal, without being too cheesy or identical to everyone else (sorry, Ed).

It sounds obvious, but forget what anyone else thinks – especially Uncle Keith. Be authentic to yourselves and fill your day with songs that have soundtracked your life together. A friend of mine had a steel pan band play Aphex Twin’s “Alberto Balsam”, which was beautiful. Another pal got everyone to sing “Perfect Day” by Mr Lou Reed. If you try to please everyone it will turn into a nightmare. For example, when we were planning our nuptials, I temporarily went mad and thought it would be a fun idea to hire a Mr Barry White impersonator to serenade guests at the wedding breakfast. We didn't even like his music all that much, but I thought the guests might get a giggle out of it. At one point I was on the phone to “Barry” (who lived in Amsterdam) negotiating his backstage rider. Luckily my better half slapped some sense into me and the Dutch Walrus of Love stayed in Haarlemmerbuurt. We eventually decided to hire a pianist to play some pretty Messrs Ahmad Jamal and Duke Ellington standards instead, as we both love jazz and wanted the afternoon to be chilled. I still shudder at what could have been.

Your wedding is probably the biggest party you’ll ever put on (and pay for), so make sure you don’t hire the bloke who killed it at Wetherspoon’s on Curry Club night. Ask your friends for DJ recommendations. When you’ve found one, make sure they know your musical taste. I met our DJ a few weeks beforehand with a list of our favourite songs – and also highlighted some songs he should never play. There was no way I was going to let him ruin our night by playing “Come On Eileen” or “Golden Brown”. He was so good, he even did an outfit change mid set. Even if you can’t find a professional selector, ask your best friends to take it in turns throughout the night – and make sure they’re all aware of the playlist blacklist.

According to Spotify, the most popular dance-floor jams for a wedding reception are Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’’, The Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling”, Mr Bruno Mars’ “Marry You”, “Billie Jean” by Mr Michael Jackson, “Dancing Queen” by Abba and “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Ms Whitney Houston. But don’t be boring and play it safe – you’ll be surprised what a day of drinking does to people’s musical inhibitions. Our first dance was to “This Must Be the Place” by Talking Heads, and one of my fondest memories was my parents skanking out to “Super Sharp Shooter” by the Ganja Kru. Make it memorable.

You might end up creating a playlist so wonderfully perfect that you want to go dancing all night. But whatever you do, make sure you leave the party before everyone else – the last thing you want is to have a rager so debauched and never-ending that you can’t remember anything the day after. It’s also a great dopamine hit to ride one last wave of mass adoration. If you’re unclear about timings and wedding protocol, a good exit indicator to look out for is when Uncle Keith smashes his tenth pint over the DJ’s head. Or when you and your new wife try to recreate the Dirty Dancing lift when “(I've Had) The Time Of My Life” comes on (which it will). At this point, retire to your room before the ambulances turn up, and hit shuffle on a pre-prepared playlist of slow jams (like this one) to drown out the sirens.